subject: Intention Is Crucial For Emotional Intelligence [print this page] Emotional intelligence starts with intentionEmotional intelligence starts with intention. When you start a difficult conversation with someone else, what is your intention? You will be emotionally intelligent when you pause to answer that question before you proceed with the conversation.
For example, lets say Bob has not followed up on his promise to do a task for you. You realize that time is now short and you need this task done immediately. What is your intention? Get the task done by Bob! If that is the case, Bob will sense your intention is solely about your need. He may react negatively with more excuses or delays.
Then, if you have the power, you may react with force. Get it done or else! This seems to work. However, you always pay a price with force. Bob may resent your use of force and start looking for ways to retaliate. Or Bob may just become more passive, not taking the initiative in other matters. Coercion breeds resentment and passivity.
People know that using force will make you pay a price. They welcome my new ideas for relationship management. But some come back and say, It didnt work. They tried the approach I taught them, and it didnt work. When I ask about what happened, they point out that Bob still didnt do the desired task. Then I ask about their intentions. Usually it turns out that all they cared about was getting Bob to act. And Bob probably sensed that.
I then ask if they might do better if they focused on a different intention, connecting with Bob is such a way as to encourage a win/win outcome? They then remember all the skills I teach about connecting start with having the intention to connect. This intention makes a big difference in emotional intelligence. Then start asking yourself and the other person, How can we create a win/win here?
In our example, once you focus on your intention to connect, you might then start with a question such as What do you need in this situation in order to get the task done? Bob might reply that he needs to be relieved from the deadline of another project. You both can then jointly create a win/win outcome.
Copyright 2009, by William R. Murray, President of Eagle Alliance Executive Coaching, LLC. Reprint rights granted to all venues so long as this article and by-line are printed intact with all links made live.
