subject: Marriage: Sometimes, Even An Open Book Needs Translation [print this page] You're not made of glassYou're not made of glass. This is a good thing, because you might break into a million pieces every time you roll over in bed. That would hurt, and you could cut yourself on yourself when you got up in the morning.
This is circular logic. It doesn't make much sense, either. Unfortunately, it illustrates the way married people often communicate with each other.
Maybe a simpler way to put it is that people can't read your mind. Even if whatever you want or need seems obvious to you, no one will know how you feel until you tell them. Getting angry with your spouse for failing to make the right guess makes about as much sense as stepping on the glass chards of your soul in the above scenareo. Still, that is exactly how many married couples communicate, and they are shocked when they can no longer work together, and their relationship finally collapses.
The following suggestions may help you avoid the problem before it starts. If we're too late for that, maybe these tips will help you rebuild your communication skills.
1.Don't make threats.
It is amazing to me how many people are proud of the ultimatums they give their spouses. I have had more than one friend or client announce, "So, I told him if he ever did that again, he'd be sorry." or "she won't try that again if she knows what is good for her."
There is a joke going around the net. One woman tells another, "I told him on our wedding day I wouldn't be his maid. If he used a dish, he would have to take it to the sink, wash it, dry it and put it away before he could use another one."
"So, how did he react?" the friend asked.
"I don't know," the first woman answered. "I haven't seen him since."
No matter how reasonable you think your request seems, you still have to "ask nice". Adults don't respond well to "if you don't -- I'll ---" situations. We tolerated it when our mothers did it while we were growing up. However, having a spouse try to impose behavior rules on us is humiliating, annoying, and just not something that works in most situations.
If you want another person to honor your wishes, remember she is doing you a favor. Even if it is something you feel will benefit both of you, it may not have the same level of urgency to her. If it is important to you, you are much more likely to get results if your spouse cares what makes you happy than if he feels you are trying to intrude on his free will.
2. Avoid the Silent Treatment
Another popular joke concerns a disagreement a woman was having with her husband. It was bad enough that they hadn't spoken to each other for three days. He finally asked her if she had seen his favorite t shirt. "Haven't you noticed that I'm not talking to you?" she fumed.
"No," he admitted, "I just thought we were getting along."
Not talking may give you a sense of power or satisfaction, but it is not communication. The proper response to "what's wrong" isn't "you know darn well what's wrong". Even if the other person has a general idea what got your undies in a knot, she isn't in any position to guess why you are mad, and what she can do to make it better. If you want someone to care why you aren't happy, you have to tell them what is bothering you, and what you want them to do. Incidentally, if you make your request through gritted teeth, you are much less likely to get the result you want then if you make a clear, polite request. This brings us to --.
3. Don't save grudges for future amunition.
Or for any other reason for that matter. I had a friend once who would be in a happy mood one minute and in a sad one fifteen minutes later. You never knew what what was wrong until she had an angry outburst. When she finally said why she was unhappy, the person who had angered her would be shocked to learn that there was anything amiss.
You may think you are being sweet and lovable when you don't complain. To some extent you are. It doesn't do to be angry about everything, and sometimes, a closed mouth gathers no feet. However, you don't have a right to store things up until you blow up. If you don't like something, say so when it happens. "I'm bored with Chinese food," is much more to the point and easier to discuss than "You always want Chinese food. Don't you ever get sick of it?" Some day, we humans may learn the secret to communicating telepathically. I'm not looking forward to that because many thoughts and mental impulses should remain private. However, when you are in a marriage, your feelings of discontent should become public before they become a problem. Even a soul mate doesn't have the right to assume that being in tune with each other includes mind reading. Each of you is an individual with your own experiences and interpretations. Unless you talk about these perspectives, you can't know what is going on in the other person's world. You can, however, keep the communication doors open if you are honest and kind about what is happening in yours.
