subject: Jealous? You're Not In Control If You Are [print this page] What is jealousy? It is that gnawing feeling that a person you want in a certain way prefers another. It is an awful feeling even if it isn't justified. Before you assume your friend or lover is doing you wrong, check your own expectations. If you can understand what you think should be, you might better understand what is.
Do you think your partner should be happy with just you? We all need other people. Your mother fills one need, your brother another, and your best friend a third. You and your lover both still need to have experiences with other people, even if you do love each other best.
Suppose your mother was the only person you were ever allowed to have in your life. She is the only one you talk to, eat with, watch TV with, and whose taste in clothes is the only one you've ever known. Your view of the world would consist only of the things she and you could learn from each other. The opinions, knowledge and discoveries of the rest of humanity would never be yours to enjoy. In short, your relationship with life would not be a healthy one.
If you were totally dependant on your mother, and she disappeared from your life, you wouldn't know how to live. You wouldn't have enough information to help her or anyone else who needed you, because your own experiences would be so limited. You just wouldn't have the knowledge to help her, yourself or anyone else.
I'm not suggesting that your relationship with your lover is the same as with your mother. But, the relationships aren't totally dissimilar, either. . Any relationship will stagnate if there is no opportunity for both parties to grow. If you keep only to yourselves, your views and understanding of life will be limited to what you can learn from each other. Eventually, you will both be bored and resentful.
Suppose you could only watch the same episode of "Friends" over and over again. You may like the show, and all of its characters. What they say gives you a lot of laughs. . When you get to the point that you can repeat their lines in your sleep, you would get sick of it fast. Imagine what it would be like for the same episode of the same program to be on every channel. Wouldn't you give up TV altogether, rather than put yourself through the boredom?
Now, consider your situation. If you and your lover have only each other to share life's experiences, don't you think you'd get bored? No one person can be everything you need. You have to have outside experiences to be objective about your own views. In sharing your life events with people in the wider world, you are better equipped to gain understanding and balance in your thinking. You both need to supply yourselves with new experiences to help each other grow.
Jealousy is caused by insecurity. The person who thinks his lover can't be trusted doesn't have much regard for himself. If you have confidence , you don't need constant assurance of your worth from another person. If your lover does things that make you feel unhappy, it is because you have put him in charge of your well being. You have stopped exposing yourself to thoughts and activities that let you build your own strengths.
Even if you feel your lover is trying to make you jealous, you are the only one who can change the situation. If she runs around, , decide whether her actions make you incompatible with each other. If he spends too much time with his buddies, you'd better accept their part in his life, , or find a friendless orphan who doesn't have anyone else to love. Usually, you won't have to go to that extreme. All you have to do is find the things that make you feel strong and healthy. If you feel happy with yourself, you won't have any desire to feel jealous. You will, however, have great things to offer someone else, and are likely to end up with a partner who needs you as much as you need them.
