subject: Starting Over: Take Time Before Choosing Again [print this page] You want and deserve another chance at happiness, but move slowly. Don't quickly jump from one relationship to another. No one wants to be alone. But, you will only complecate your life if you add a new person to the mix too soon.
Much of my law practice is centered on divorce. It never ceases to amaze me how many people break up, and a few weeks later have already moved in with another person. Not only are they with someone new, but they make sure the other person comes to the final hearing. The message seems to be, "see, I've got someone. I'm not the one who caused the problem."
Neither of you were the whole problem, unless there was abuse or infidelity. You both made mistakes, and your marriage suffered. You can't learn from what went wrong in your old situation, if you latch on to the first new thing that comes along. You need time to think. You should spend some time alone and think about your life with your ex. If you do, you will be more likely to approach your next relationship with wisdom, rather than anger and disappointment.
Too many couples get together when they haven't known each other very long. One or both of them may have just ended a long term relationship that they haven't fully processed. Then they share a few drinks and comfort with someone new. This is good. A sympathetic friend can aid in recovery from a painful situation.
What causes problems is a vulnerable person's desire to see more in the new situation than is there. The need to feel lovable overrides common sense. It is too easy for a lonely, sad person to overlook things about the new person that may not be acceptable when the sad person is feeling stronger.
I have two cases now that illustrate the point. In both,the newly separated person moved in with someone new before the divorce was even filed. One is a 40 year old woman who went to the new relationship with her 5 kids. The other is a man who moved into a home with a much older woman and her 4 children.
It is doubtful that either situation is destined for long term success. In both cases, the woman is unemployed. The new man is providing support for her and her kids. There is no doubt in my mind that both situations will work fine in the beginning. However, it is what will happen later that could hurt a lot of people.
What happens to the first woman with 5 kids when the new man gets tired of supporting them? He is allowing them to live with him, and is willing to pay for their upkeep now. The sex is probably good, and he is enjoying having someone to cook for him. However, these pleasures are fleeting.
In each case, there is a good chance that the man will tire of the situation. The woman with 5 kids will suddenly be a burden. The man may be enjoying the sex and the live in cook, but he will realize that he can have these things without so much cost. He can have his TV to himself, and doesn't really have to put up with the squabbling and confusion that go with living in a large family.
The young man in the other case probably enjoys having a sexual outlet with someone who makes him feel more mature. He probably doesn't mind having someone boss him around, being as he is so young and confused at that age. However, he will find his legs eventually, and will probably feel drawn to a woman closer to his own age. At that point, his older lover will seem like a financial drag to him, and her advice will feel like smothering, rather than love and respect.
Both of these cases may surprise me. The couples could walk into the sunset and never look back. However, there are reasons to believe that outcome isn't very likely.
After all, their old relationships crashed in part because of their own strengths and weaknesses. If they pursue immediate wants, like shelter, food and sex, without analyzing the old relationship, they are bound to make the assumptions and mistakes that caused problems with their former partners, instead of understanding themselves well enough to find what they really need, compatibility and love.
Without thinking of what went wrong before, we are too likely to approach new problems with the same mind set. In the above cases, neither person has examined themselves, or taken the time to learn what they really want and need from a partner. Instead, they have both put themselves in a situation in which they are totally dependent on a virtual stranger for their sense of security and well being. In short, they have flunked the course once, and not changed their study habits so that success will be more likely if they take it over.
Loneliness and confusion are the hall marks of divorce. Hopes are so high on the wedding day that it is little wonder that seeing the dream die is painful. It is only natural to want to reclaim the ground that feels lost after a divorce. However, only by giving yourself time to consider the reasons your marriage failed, and examine your own part in the choices made and actions taken can you learn from the situation.
There is no guarantee that your next attempt at sharing your life will be any more successful. However, thinking and reflecting is more likely to help you stride forward into a good life rather then walking on a treadmill because you are afraid of losing your balance.
