subject: Treatment Planning and Communication in Marriage [print this page] Treatment Planning and Communication in Marriage
Action Plan
There are ways to improve the quality of ones communication. Genuineness, empathy, and respect on the part of both the speaker and the listener are vital to improving communication between spouses. In addition to these principles, below are some additional techniques and suggestions:
More Time Talking
Consider the amount of time your counselees spend together as a couple. Studies have found that many couples spend an average of only four minutes a day in meaningful conversation.
Couples cite lack of time as their primary communication roadblock for three reasons:
1.Some spouses are overloaded with responsibilities and commitments. They need to examine their commitments and determine what their priorities are and should be.
2.Other couples dont make time. They have the time to talk with their spouse, but they instead fill that time with phone calls, television, shopping trips, sports, friends, and other activities.
3.Still others are angry or bitter. They often shut out their partners, doing themselves and their marriage a great disservice.
Be Careful With Non-Verbal Communications
Couples are constantly sending messages, positive or negative, even when no words are being said. Therefore, couples must work effectively to control their negative communications.
For instance (not to be clich), a man comes home from work and says nothing. He may be thinking that he is communicating respect in that he is being unobtrusive. His wife may perceive him as being allusive and cold.
Conversely, the casual shrug of the shoulders of a wife may be her way of saying, Im not sure,but her spouse may interpret it as, Im not very impressed by you,or These things arent important to me.
The point is that married couples must make every attempt to keep their intentions and their language clear.
Ending Bad Communication Strategies
Dr. John Gottman, renowned scientist and family psychologist, found four kinds of unhealthy communication strategies that interfere with married couples ability to resolve negative feelings. He calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism. To explain what we mean by criticism, well compare it to a complaint. Complaints are generally specific: I dont like it when you tell youre going to take out the trash and you dont do it.Criticism, however, is much more global and is sometimes packaged as a question that implies the other person has a character flaw: Why do you always do that? You never do what you say youre going to do. This is just another example of how I cant count on you for anything.
Defensiveness. When we receive criticism, its easy to retaliate with countercriticism: What do you mean I never do what I say? What about the dishes? Whens the last time they were piled up all over the counter? Is that all you can do, whine and complain? No wonder you cant get anyone to do anything for you!Countercriticism and an Im-a-victim, why-does-everything-have-to-happen-to-meattitude are both forms of defensiveness.
Contempt. When criticism and defensiveness are ratcheted up several notches, they can lead to derogatory remarks, put-downs, and extreme disrespect. For example, not mowing the grass can lead to You make me sick! You never do what you say youll do. Youre a big talker, just like your mother, but you never follow through. Ive grown used to not being able to rely on you, so Ill just do everything myself, like always.
Stonewalling. When the intensity gets too strong, a person can shut down and decide he or she will no longer participate in the conversation. The person may walk out of the room or just stop talking and stare off into space. One of our clients called this the thousand-yard stare. In the heat of the argument, it would, understandably, drive his wife crazy, intensifying her rage and setting up the battle for another round of criticism.
Action Plan
There are ways to improve the quality of ones communication. Genuineness, empathy, and respect on the part of both the speaker and the listener are vital to improving communication between spouses. In addition to these principles, below are some additional techniques and suggestions:
More Time Talking
Consider the amount of time your counselees spend together as a couple. Studies have found that many couples spend an average of only four minutes a day in meaningful conversation.
Couples cite lack of time as their primary communication roadblock for three reasons:
1.Some spouses are overloaded with responsibilities and commitments. They need to examine their commitments and determine what their priorities are and should be.
2.Other couples dont make time. They have the time to talk with their spouse, but they instead fill that time with phone calls, television, shopping trips, sports, friends, and other activities.
3.Still others are angry or bitter. They often shut out their partners, doing themselves and their marriage a great disservice.
Be Careful With Non-Verbal Communications
Couples are constantly sending messages, positive or negative, even when no words are being said. Therefore, couples must work effectively to control their negative communications.
For instance (not to be clich), a man comes home from work and says nothing. He may be thinking that he is communicating respect in that he is being unobtrusive. His wife may perceive him as being allusive and cold.
Conversely, the casual shrug of the shoulders of a wife may be her way of saying, Im not sure,but her spouse may interpret it as, Im not very impressed by you,or These things arent important to me.
The point is that married couples must make every attempt to keep their intentions and their language clear.
Ending Bad Communication Strategies
Dr. John Gottman, renowned scientist and family psychologist, found four kinds of unhealthy communication strategies that interfere with married couples ability to resolve negative feelings. He calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism. To explain what we mean by criticism, well compare it to a complaint. Complaints are generally specific: I dont like it when you tell youre going to take out the trash and you dont do it.Criticism, however, is much more global and is sometimes packaged as a question that implies the other person has a character flaw: Why do you always do that? You never do what you say youre going to do. This is just another example of how I cant count on you for anything.
Defensiveness. When we receive criticism, its easy to retaliate with countercriticism: What do you mean I never do what I say? What about the dishes? Whens the last time they were piled up all over the counter? Is that all you can do, whine and complain? No wonder you cant get anyone to do anything for you!Countercriticism and an Im-a-victim, why-does-everything-have-to-happen-to-meattitude are both forms of defensiveness.
Contempt. When criticism and defensiveness are ratcheted up several notches, they can lead to derogatory remarks, put-downs, and extreme disrespect. For example, not mowing the grass can lead to You make me sick! You never do what you say youll do. Youre a big talker, just like your mother, but you never follow through. Ive grown used to not being able to rely on you, so Ill just do everything myself, like always.Take help from telephone psychologist.
Stonewalling. When the intensity gets too strong, a person can shut down and decide he or she will no longer participate in the conversation. The person may walk out of the room or just stop talking and stare off into space. One of our clients called this the thousand-yard stare. In the heat of the argument, it would, understandably, drive his wife crazy, intensifying her rage and setting up the battle for another round of criticism.
