subject: Remarriage And Blended Families - How To Deal With The Ex
[print this page] An Ex is that person you were once wedded to but now have been released. You know, the one you love to trash in your mind and if you can find the right person, with your mouth. You dream of scenarios that provide an opportunity to say those things you forgot when you were actually speaking to your Ex. All those things you wish you had said but only came to mind when it was too late. Don't you hate it when that happens? They were such snappy comebacks and would have certainly put them in their place. Your Ex would have been speechless. Then you wake up. Since you are awake, let's deal with reality.
Rule number one is to bite your tongue. Keep your gums together when you want to say something about the Ex. The children are listening. It is easy to get into a verbal degrading about your ex with your new spouse. As a matter of fact, it might even be a release of sorts. Some may even say therapeutic. Do it when you are alone. I promise you, the kids hear so much more than you will ever know. If there is one thing that will shut the door to a relationship with your children, it is degrading their parent. Endear yourself to them by only saying positive things about their parent. If they want to say bad things about the other parent then they have the right. You have a role of listening at this point, but not agreeing. And if you are in another room and whispering, they hear you. So why take a chance? Wait until they are gone is the best rule.
Rule number two is to remember who comes first. Here is a hint, it is not the Ex. You may think this goes without saying. I would venture to say you would never consciously put your Ex before your current spouse. But if you could open the mind of your spouse and read their thoughts, here's how they might read: "He jumps when his Ex asks him to do something." Or, "I wish her tone wasn't so sweet when they talked on the phone." Or, "Do they have to talk every day?" How about this one... "Can't they just talk about the kids and not personal things?" Have you ever had these thoughts? What you may not know is that your spouse probably has and hasn't told you. Why? It is a sticky subject and no one wants to come across as the "jealous spouse."
Sensitivity is your vocabulary word for today. It is not about how you feel at this point. You may be saying to your spouse that there is nothing to those conversations or that you do not want to be rude to the Ex. Doesn't matter! By the way, when you answer like that it sounds like you are trying to defend your Ex. What matters is how your spouse is feeling at this point. Please hear this loudly - this is not a mole hill, it is a mountain. These are the kind of things that build walls in relationships and cause resentment.
Here is the best response: "Honey, you mean everything to me and I want you to know you are first in my life. I am sorry that I haven't been more sensitive and that you were feeling uncomfortable. Let's talk about a better way to handle this." Wow! "I'm sorry" is powerful. And communication about everything makes your spouse feel close to you.
