subject: Good Relationships Don't Just Happen- Make Things Work [print this page] Good relationships do not happen by chanceGood relationships do not happen by chance.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF...
This is the most important thing you can do to improve your relationship. This means that learning to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to feel happy and secure, learn to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to enjoy the kindness, care, compassion and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Whenever you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.
For example, instead of being angry with your partner by his feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied your thought and so on, you should explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how they might being dropped.
When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for you, then you stop blaming your partner for your discomfort. As a couple, no one is to blame for unhappiness and cause of relationship problems- learn how to take good care and loving yourself and that is the key to a good relationship.
Kindness, compassion, acceptance...
Treat others as you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly - with kindness, compassion, understanding and acceptance. We have to try this way, and we must treat our partners and others in this way. Relationships flourish when both people are treated with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating others with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, critical, indifferent and cruel, then you need to focus on what you would love yourself rather than reverting to anger, guilt, trial, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. The kindness of others does not mean losing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself instead of blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and is not available, then you have to accept a distant relationship, or if you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change - you can only change yourself.
LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROL...
When conflict occurs, you always have two options as to how to manage conflict: you can be open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of conflict, through some kind of controlling behavior. We have all learned many open and subtle ways of trying to control others to behave the way we want: anger, guilt, the trial, kindness, respect, care, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teach, defend, lie, deny, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Recalling and control is a vital part of improving your relationship.
