subject: My Husband Won't Work With Me To Save Our Marriage: Tips And Advice To Get Him On Board [print this page] My Husband Won't Work With Me To Save Our Marriage: Tips And Advice To Get Him On Board
I often get emails from concerned wives who tell me that they are at their wit's end because their husband has informed them that he doesn't want to work on their marriage. The wives are typically willing to do anything to save the marriage and prevent a divorce from counseling to vacations to talking things through to giving their husbands their undivided attention. However, it often seems that it doesn't really matter all that much what the wife is offering up. Often, these husbands have made up their minds and are simply done with working on it, trying what they think isn't going to work, andattempting to rescue what to them is essentially dead. In short, these guys want out and aren't that likely to listen to what you say if it's meant to convince them to stay.
But, I maintain that there are things you can do to save the marriage on your own until you can begin to whittle away at his resistance. Often, this means working behind the scenes and in secret, but this method can be very effective and not quite as painful. I'lldiscussthis more in the following article.
When Your Husband Hears You Say That You Want Him To "Work On The Marriage," He Only Hears The Word "Work": Let's face it. Often asking a guy to talk about his deep feelings or doubts is pretty similar to ask him to go through a root canal without a pain killer. Ask a man to "work" on the relationship and he's likely to wince and curl his toes in unison. This is just not something that most men are going to be excited to do.
And, combine that with the fact that often times, your husband knows full well that you've both tried many things to right this thing. You've talked until your blue in the face. You've both made promises or vows that haven't panned out. You've both vowed that things will be different or better "this time," and yet here you are again.
So, your husband is tired of hearing all of this all of the time. In short, he just doesn't buy into it anymore. Worse, you're asking him to not only buy into something that he doesn't really believe, you're also on top of this asking him to do painful emotional work that just isn't alluring to a guy. So, there are several things that you have working against you when you propose "working" on the marriage. It's clear then that we need to change up the semantics of this message.
Moving Away From The Work Talk Toward Something That Appeals To You Both: Right now, what your husband likely wants is for you to let up with the pressure. You're going to get a much better response from him if you are able to do this. So, as soon as possible, when you're calm enough to pull it off, you're going to need to sit him down and explain that you are also tired of the same old thing. Tell him that you truly don't know where this is all going, but you're very tired of fighting him and of swimming against the tide. It's not good for either of you and you aren't going to participate in this negativity anymore.
He won't believe you at first, maybe. And, you may well be tempted to resort to old behaviors, but stop yourself. It's important that you hang back and show him that you're serious. You want to make it very clear that no matter what happens, your only goal right now is to improve the tension between you. If this relationship ends, you'd like to be proud of how you handled it and you'd like to be able to know that you did everything you couldso that youcan hold your head high.
Now, you and I both know that you have an agenda. All of this taking the high road business is admirable, but it's also meant to disarm your husband a bit and paint you in a positive light. It's meant to change up the negative dynamic that's happening right now to give you the "in" that you so desperately need.
However, continue to play it cooland continue to be as lighthearted and as agreeableas you can. By saying this, I don't mean for younot to voice anyreal andpressing concerns, butI also mean to keep things light. Your real goalright now is for you and your husband to begin to experience positive rather than negative emotions when together. This often means hanging back and loosening your grip a little bit. Someone who's not arguing and not clinging sotightly in attempt to change his mind is going to be so much less threatening and so much more attractive. Your husband can not see you in a more positive light until his perception ofyou begins to change. That can't happen until you change your behavior.
WhenCan You Work Through Your Problems?: Many women will tell me that thisstrategy makes sense, butthey're also concerned that I want them to holdoff on doing the "work"or havingthedeep discussionsuntil they and their husband are gelling and feeling deep affection once again. Rest assured that I'm not asking you to ignore your problems orto never speak of them again. I realize that in order to work thingsout long term, you will have to addressand then fix these things. However, any attempts that you make to this end is just not going to work if your husband is resistant. You can't make him see things your way if he's not receptive or listening anyway. First, you must have a captive audience. Then you can work on your message.
When I was trying to save my own marriage, I was truly going it alone. My husband was not at all interested in working on our marriage. He was going forward with moving out and then the divorce. It took me entirely too long to stop trying to force him to do what he didn't want to do. Eventually though, I changed direction and was able to not only restore my husband's love, but save our marriage. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
