subject: He's Withdrawing From Me. What Should I Do? [print this page] He's Withdrawing From MeHe's Withdrawing From Me. What Should I Do?
I recently heard from a wife who told me that over the last year, her husband had begun to seriously withdraw from her. At first, she had hoped that it was just stress or being busy and distracted. But, the longer that this went on, the less likely this was. At first, he had been withdrawing emotionally, but lately, he had been pulling away physically as well. After a while, the wife confronted him about this and he denied that anything was wrong. Eventually, he became annoyed at all the questions and this seemed to make him even more determined to withdraw into himself.
The wife told me that she felt that she was no longer able to reach him. She was very upset about this and admitted that she missed him very much. But because he'd made it very clear that he didn't want to discuss this, she had no idea what to do. She did not want to stand by and watch him move further and further away. But, every time she tried to address it, her husband became angry and the problem became even worse. She wanted to know if there was anything that she could do to make things better. I suspected that there were a few things that she might try. I'll discuss them in the following article.
When You Approach Your Husband About His Withdrawing From You, Come To Him From A Place Of Wanting To Help Him Rather Than From A Place Of Accusation: I know that the wife did not intend to approach this in a negative way. But, as she recounted some of the situation to me, it become clear that her tone was one of trying to "prove" to the husband that she was right and he was wrong.
The wife would say something like "what have I done to upset you?" The husband would typically respond with "nothing." And then the wife would list the things that he was doing to be distant and cold. Of course, the husband would deny this and attempt to defend himself. And then they would just go back and forth and continue to disagree. This was not doing any good whatsoever.
I told the wife that it's often best to say something like "I've noticed that you seem to be struggling with something and it hurts me when you appear to be unhappy. Is there anything that I can do to lighten your load or to make things better for you?" This approach usually encourages him to open up to you rather than making him feel like he has to defend himself.
Ask Yourself If You're Also Withdrawing As A Means Of Self Preservation: Typically, when someone pulls away from us, we have one of two likely reactions. Sometimes, we cling even more out of fear. But sometimes, we ourselves will begin to pull away because we don't want to be the only one who is putting forth any effort. We don't like to feel vulnerable in this way. While this is completely understandable, it will often contribute to an atmosphere in which both people are sort of crossing their arms and retreating. It can be hard to turn this around until one person is willing to be the one who changes their strategy.
I often tell people to ask themselves what they really want and then to offer that very thing to their spouse. People will sometimes reject this, but please believe me when I say that this will often work much better in allowing you to get what you want. This wife finally admitted to me that she what she wanted was a husband who was receptive to her, who had an easy smile and laugh, and who was affectionate. I told her she would be doing herself a huge favor if this was precisely the person that she displayed to her husband. Doing this would lighten the tension, would back up her claims that she wanted to lighten his load, would make her pleasurable to be around, Finally, the husband would hopefully eventually catch on and begin to reciprocate once the tension lessened.
If He's Still Withdrawn No Matter What You Do, Accept That This Might Have Little To Do With You And Focus On Making Yourself Happy. Then, Keep Demonstrating The Behavior That You Want: Sometimes, you will try everything that you know to do and your husband will still remain distant. At this point, you sometimes have to assume that what he's experiencing really is something that is going on within himself. Since you can't control his thoughts or experiences, sometimes the best thing that you can do is to focus on your own responses and behaviors.
Once you've approached him from a place of wanting to help and have demonstrated the behaviors that you want to see from him, you're basically left with doing what you need to do to lighten your own load so that you can remain as upbeat as you can. Show him the optimistic, lighthearted woman that he feel in love with. Sometimes, this strategy prompts him to come out of whatever he's been going through. And once he does, you will be in a much better situation than you would've been if you'd been debating with him or trying to force a response.
This is a better approach than doing nothing or focusing on the negative. You should never ignore a husband who begins withdrawing from you and the marriage. People sometimes are very disappointed when they just hope that this will blow over and were wrong in this assumption. And, the strategy that I've discussed focuses on the positive and will usually put you in a better position to move forward once he works through whatever is going on. Hopefully, he will accept your help with this, but if he doesn't, at least you've presented yourself in a positive and alluring way so that when the clouds do pass, you haven't made things worse.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions and my words when I felt my husband withdrawing from me. Making things better took a 380 degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
