subject: How To Confront Your Spouse If You Think They're Cheating [print this page] How To Confront Your Spouse If You Think They're Cheating
There is no sinking feeling quite like strongly suspecting that your spouse is cheating. You hope that you are wrong. You very much want to be wrong. In fact, your deepest desire is that you get up your nerve to approach them with your suspicions and thatthey then provide you with a perfectly logical explanation that shows that your fears were unfounded. This is the best case scenario, but this often doesn't happen for several reasons.
First, statistics show that the vast majority of people who cheat will never admit to it. Second, those accused ofcheatingwill often become defensive or angry.Then,the spouse with the suspicions is painted to be the bad guy (or gal), and is seen as paranoid and /or overly possessive. Even if every single sign points to cheating, the cheater will very often try to turn the attention from themselves onto you.
And, there are the rare instances where you are just plain wrong, but by voicing your suspicions, you've painted yourself in a negative light and have begun to erode the trust and have placed a new, weird vibe onto your marriage. For all of these reasons, it's important that you approach your spouse in the correct way. I'll discuss what I think that this is in the following article.
If You Can Hold Off, Wait Until You're Sure They Are Cheating To Confront Them: As I've said before, unless there is something very atypical about your spouse, it's not likely that you're going to confront them and then you've going to say "OK, you've got me. You're absolutely right. I totally admit it and Iwill stop immediately." No, it's in their best interest to deny your suspicions and then proceed to cover their tracks better. If they are cheating, it's because they have chosen to be dishonest and they don't want to be caught in this or they would've communicated their dilemma to you.They wouldn't be keeping this a secret if they wanted to share this with you.
Many spouses have the fantasy that when they confront their cheating partner, that person will sort of be relieved at being caught. Or, alternatively, they will feel so guilty and so awful that they must unburden themselves of this terrible secret and repent. This does happen in rare cases, but it's not the norm. Once people have made the decision to cheat it's because they've been able to overcome their moral dilemmas.
I often tell people that they are better off saying nothing and going on as if everything is perfectly normal. You know that it isn't, but you're doing this so that you won't tip them off. Then, you arm yourself with the easily obtained and very inexpensive tools that can easily help you to catch them and to come up with indisputable proof of the cheating. This way when you confront them, there is no way that they can lie to you. It's your choice as to whether you'll confront them with anger or with hurt. But at least when you confront them, you'll know that you had a valid reason.
And, if you're wrong and they're completely innocent, you haven't eroded your marriage in any way. No one needs to know about what you've been doing except for you. You get the best of both worlds. Your questions are answered but the trust is intact and you don't appear to be paranoid or jealous.
If You Must Confront Them, Be Smart About It: Let's be honest. Most people want a few of several possibilities when they admit their suspicions to their spouse. They want to know the truth. They want their partner to know that they aren't in the dark. They want their spouse to explain why they have betrayed them. And often, they want the spouse to stop the cheating immediately, to be deeply sorry, and to make this up to them.
How likely is it going to be that you're going to get these things if you react very badly, lash out, or paint yourself in a negative light? Don't lose control and don't give them the upper hand. If you can't hold off until you have proof, take a smart approach. Don't accuse. Simply act as if the problem lies with you. For example, you might say something like "honey, I know this is crazy and Iwant to apologize beforehand how this is going to come out, but there have been some behaviors and issues lately that have made me uncomfortable. If I did not know you any better, I'd suspect you were cheating. But I do know you, so I know that there must be some logical explanation for this. I'm hoping that you can help me out because I know that there's an answer, but I just can't see it right now."
This puts the ball firmly in their court and you aren't coming off as a paranoid or angry spouse that's out to get them. You've asked them to help you with an issue that you've been having and you're still maintaining that you believe what they're going to tell you. I must tell you though that the down side to this tactic is that you're basically giving them a free pass to wiggle out of this. However, some people would rather give their spouse a chance to offer an explanation before they begin checking up on them. Eventually, they usually end up checking up anyway, but many want to make this effort first.
I was in this same situation a short time ago. I tried to confront my husband with my suspicions of his cheating, but he would never admit it. I tried to believe him, but there were too many signs there. I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information and proof that my husband thought that he had hid and erased. Once I presented this to him, he had no choice but to come clean. You can reada very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/
