subject: Anger And Jealousy In A Relationship - And How To Deal With It. [print this page] Do you ever feel the need to check your partner's email? Do you obsess over messages from people you don't know? Do you check their text messages - convinced that the tone is too familiar?
Perhaps after you've confirmed their wheresbouts, checked their phone, followed them or had a look through their possessions - just to reassure yourself that nothing untoward is happening, obviously - you STILL can't shake the feeling that you need to keep checking? Just in case...?
Does all this sound familiar?
Well, you are not alone. Many people have to deal with unhelpful feelings of jealousy and anger in relationships. This may be behaviour copied from a parent, learned from a previous relationship or simply seems to have appeared from nowhere. No matter how many times you check - and no matter what reassurances your partner gives - the urge to scratch the inquisitive 'itch' never fades.
There are ways to deal with this and help yourself become calmer, more trusting and ultimately more capable of forming stable and trusting relationships, but first you must identify the source of these emotions...and their Positive Intentions.
It may seem strange, but a dark mood, suspicious mind or jealous rage can all come from a wish to have a positive effect on your relationship; usually it's about protecting what's important to you, and the negative effect is unintentional.
By making sure that you identify your Positive Intentions and separate them from your harmful actions you are in a position to recognise how your attempts to protect your relationship are actually alienating the person you care about, demonstrating your undesirable personality traits and, in the process, having the exact opposite effect to that Positively Intended.
So you've taken a deep breath and accepted that this behaviour in the end, will make your life worse not better.
So now it's time to ask yourself, why do I do this?
There may have been a time when you've been let down, deceived or abandoned and felt very hurt by that. It's an understandable response to disappointment, but understanding why an emotional response is triggered can, in time, help you to manage it; you'll be able to alter your behaviour to, by and large, avoid these problems altogether.
Communication is the key, and allowing emotions to be expressed before they explode. In my experience I've found that it's an inability to convey how someone feels that results in the inappropriate behaviours often caused by jealousy.
If you honestly express how you feel, and what allows you to feel comfortable and safe in a relationship but receive a negative or un-supportive response you will know that, in all likelihood, it will be difficult to be fulfilled, happy and trusting of the other person. This can be painful as we often pin our hopes on relationships which, in the final analysis, may not be quite right for us anyway.
So what happens when you communicate honestly and openly? It's not always easy but in the end - with that person or someone else - you'll end up with someone who knows and understands you for who you are. Even if that means rejection on occasion, acceptance when you find it will be worth the wait and effort to get there.
