subject: Perfman HR: Questions Make for Good Conversation [print this page] Perfman HR: Questions Make for Good Conversation
Ask questions, listen to what people have to say and respond appropriately. Then file away what you've learned.
Effective communication, especially conversation, is an up close and personal endeavor. All of the great communicators I know are great conversationalists. As with most things, I have one great piece of commonsense advice on how to become a great conversationalist. Listen more than you speak. When I am in a conversation, I try to spend about one-third of my time speaking and two-thirds listening. I have found that this ratio works well for me and should work well for everyone else.
Most people like to talk about themselves. The best way to get people speaking about themselves is to ask a lot of questions. When you meet people for the first time, ask "get to know you" questions. You know the kind of questions I'm talking about here. "What do you do?" "Where do you live?" "Are you married?" "Do you have children?"
Listen to the answers and file away this information for future use. The other day I called on an old client. Before seeing him, I spent time thinking about what I knew about him from our previous conversations. Here's what I remembered: We know several people in common. His son is a graduating from Symbiosis Mass Comm. His company was recently acquired.
I prepared myself for our meeting by coming up with four questions.
How is your son doing at Symbiosis?
Have you spoken to Ravi (our mutual acquaintance) lately?
I saw Neena (another mutual acquaintance) the other day, have you spoken to him recently?
How are things going with your new company?
By asking these questions, listening, and adding follow up comments and / or questions, I was able to keep things moving for an hour. At the end of that time, I was in a good position to ask the two questions that were my main reason for the conversation. "How are things going with your team? How can I help you?" This was a sales call, after all.
Debra Fine, author of the bestseller 'The Fine Art of Small Talk' calls this "going deeper." Here is what she has to say:
"Don't be afraid to dig deeper. When you say to someone, 'how's work' they're going to say 'pretty good' or 'good' or 'great' or whatever. Dig in deeper, let them know you're sincere with one more question. Say something like, 'So, what's been going on with work, Bud, since the last time we talked?' Or if you say to somebody, 'how were your holidays,' and they say 'great,' you can follow up by saying, 'What did you do over the holidays that you enjoyed the most?' Let them know you are sincere."
"If you say to your friend, 'How are you, Bud?' and get a one word answer like 'great,' you've got to follow up with something like 'Bud, bring me up to datewhat's been going on in your life since the last time I saw you?' Now Bud knows that you really want to know how he is, otherwise 'how are you' will end up meaning 'hello. 'That's all it means."
"By the same token you don't want to become what I call an FBI agent. That's why one follow up question is important, but no more after that."
Debra makes some great points about the power of questions in conversation. The key here is to ask questions, listen to what people have to say and respond appropriately. Then file away what you've learned. I recommend writing it down so you won't forget. Review what you know about a person prior to visiting with him or her. This will help you prepare for the conversation by choosing the questions you want to ask.
Sonal Aurora is director and co- founder of Perfman HR
