subject: Will Story-Time Lead To Real Life Adventures [print this page] Will Story-Time Lead To Real Life Adventures
Dear Lauren,
My girlfriend and I often participate in "story time" as part of our intimate activities. I'd like to move some of our stories to real life activities, but I don't want to turn her off or worse, lose her (some stories involve other partners). How can I initiate this conversation without starting a fight?
Dear Reader,
It sounds like some of the 'story time' activities involve just the two of you and some involve others. The response, as to how you would discuss them are similar, but the issues are somewhat different.
It seems that you suspect that a discussion about this could easily lead to a fight. I wonder why. Following are some points to consider especially in light of your intuition that the conversation could lead to a fight and that some of the activities involve more partners.
First, you may consider what about this type of conversation would lead to a fight. If someone asked your girlfriend why this made her angry, what would she say? Step back, let go of being defensive, and decide what about her answer would be true.
Next, consider what the underlying motivation is, other than greater sexual excitement, to include other partners in your sexual relationship with your girlfriend. Ask yourself, "If there was another reason (other than extending my sexual relationship with my girlfriend) that I wanted to bring 'story time' to life, it would be ...." Self-awareness and understanding your underlying feelings and motivations are important factors.
Based on your information, I am not reading that your girlfriend enjoys your 'story time' as much as you do. It's possible you may be introducing an idea that you feel reasonably certain your girlfriend will not like and would want to reject. Again, understanding what is driving you to introduce the proposals is important information. You may be able to develop an understanding through self-reflection. It may very well require work with a therapist to find out underlying reasons.
If you do talk to her, and she says no, how would you respond? Where would these fantasies lead? How would that impact your relationship? Again, these are important questions that you may be able to discern on your own or you may need the help of a therapist to discover.
Effective communication happens in a trusting atmosphere. Your girlfriend would almost certainly need to feel trust that she can say no to your proposals, that you have a good idea of where/why these proposals are coming from, and that saying no would not lead you to resent or to act out in other ways.
Exploring the underlying issues of a possible fight in advance and exploring any resistance you may have to her ideas may be a good place to begin addressing and building an atmosphere of trust.
If you do have an atmosphere of trust, it would be reasonable to explain that you would like to move toward having more open discussions about sex and learn, from her, about her sexual preferences. In this conversation it should be made clear that each partner has the opportunity to decline proposals without resentment or further pressure.
