subject: Hot & Cold Husband, Lukewarm Wife [print this page] Hot & Cold Husband, Lukewarm Wife Hot & Cold Husband, Lukewarm Wife
Dear Lauren,
My husband runs either hot or cold. He's either constantly wanting sex or we'll go for weeks without any indication of it. I can't turn on and off like that. I become accustomed to no intimacy and then BOOM, he's more amorous than Pepe Le Pew! I love my husband, and I want to please him, but I don't have an electric switch that I can flip on at whim. What can I do?
- Lukewarm Wife
Dear Reader,
Thanks for your letter. It sounds like you are willing and able to match your husband's mood for sex, but would prefer some consistency, predictability, and more evenly paced tempo.
I can't help but wonder if or how you have discussed this issue with him. I do understand that discussions around the issue of sex can be difficult. Sometimes one may choose not to talk about it for fear of insulting, hurting, angering, or offending their partner.
I notice, too, that it sounds like you are interested in pleasing him and responding to his initiation as opposed to being the initiator.
Your choices fall into twooverlapping camps. Both involve being proactive and genuine in expressing your feelings. In one scenario, you may become more proactive by initiating a conversation about sex. In another scenario, you may become more proactive by initiating sex, consenting to sex, or declining sex as it fits your mood or willingness. Both scenarios -- alone or together -- can help you reach a solution.
If you haven't done so, Initiating a conversation would involve kindness and courage. If you haven't already done so, ideally, you would let him know what you have said here: that you want to please him and you want to have a 'warm' tempo as opposed to hot or cold. You each might discuss what an 'ideal' sex life might be, including frequency, mood, etc.. It is important that each one of youexpresses feelings and does so respectfully. The goal of the conversation is to gain information to improve your sex life. It's probably a good idea to keep it short in order to introduce the idea, explore it a little, and plan a time for coming back together to discuss things. Again, depending on your communication skills -- which you don't indicate -- it is easy to get derailed by hurt or angry feelings. If you notice those emotions start to rise in either one of you,it is probably a good time to take a break and come back to the conversation later.
It is reasonable that you help define your sex life. If you have difficulty asserting yourself in this or other areas, consider individual counseling to help your put words to your feelings and feel confident asserting them. Alternatively, if you feel shy to initiate the conversation with your husband of if the conversation with your husband does not go well, and you don't know how to get it back on track, you may benefit frommarriage counseling.
