subject: Coping with Negative People – And Keeping our Sanity [print this page] Coping with Negative People And Keeping our Sanity
"No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument of by emotional appeal." Marilyn Ferguson
Some people are toxic, there is no doubt about it. Usually they are unhappy, miserable and love nothing better than rain on our parade. When we can, we usually try to keep away from these people but there are times when that's not an option. So, what should we do then?
The first thing that has to be done is to learn to accept these people exactly as they are. That is not to say that we should accept or value their opinion but we must allow them to be what they are.
The reason for that is simple. By giving them the freedom to be what they are and express themselves in any way that they see fit, we are giving ourselves the permission to avoid being influenced by what they have to say.
As an example, you can call me a fool all day long but if I have given you complete permission to do so, it will not affect me in the least. It's not what others say or do that affect us. What really matters is whether or not we believe that they have the right to say whatever is on their mind.
Trying to stop a negative person from holding a negative discourse is like trying to stop a German from speaking German. That's what they are so that's how they act and speak. So it would be fair to ask, "Why should it bother us?"
We cannot change negative people until they decide that they are ready to change and the harder we try to change them the more they will resist. That's human nature. Nobody likes to have others impose their views on us and that goes double for the naysayer.
It must also be taken into consideration that negative people do not see themselves as such. In their eye they are realists, they believe that they see things as they truly are and not through the rose colored lens of what they believe to be nave believe-anything poor souls.
They are as convinced that they hold the truth as we are. For that reason, debating the merits of seeing life with a positive outlook is absolutely useless and can only fuel the fire. That's where respect comes in. They should be allowed to have their opinion even if we cannot agree with it.
In essence, the best way of dealing with negative people is by adopting the Zen attitude and accepting with serenity what cannot be changed. When in the company of someone who is always prone to see only the negative side, the best attitude is one of non-confrontation and solicitude.
If the need to justify our views comes up, it simply means that we are not totally convinced. No one who is convinced ever feels the need to frantically defend his views. We have never seen anyone shouting, "The sun will rise in the East tomorrow." That's because everyone knows that this is what will happen.
It always easy to be positive when we are on a roll but the test of our convictions is seen when those are challenged. Spending time with a negative person can be such a challenge.
Friedrich Nietzsche said, "What does not kill me, makes me stronger." That could be a comforting thought to have when forced to listen to another diatribe about how the world is going down the tube and there is nothing that we can do about it.
