subject: Feedback: truth vs kindness [print this page] Feedback: truth vs kindness Feedback: truth vs kindness
I read an article recently by someone who was working on both being kind, and not lying (overachiever!). She went to dinner at a cafe where the service was really bad and the food was awful. Nevertheless, she and her partner were in great moods, and they laughed off the disgusting food, rude wait staff and snails pace of service. Anyway the manager came out at the end and asked how their meal was and if they had enjoyed their experience. The writer said that she was stuck because to tell the truth would be unkind and to lie would be breaking her precepts. So she said "eh" and kind of rolled her eyes around the room until the manager left.
It was all very awkward but she got to keep her precepts.
I dunno about that.
I reckon that manager was going out on a limb and asking for feedback, so (s)he should have been given some. But kindly. Maybe not "the meal was rubbish and your wait staff are too", maybe "well we had a lovely night, and I really like um your cutlery, but our orders were kind of slow and a bit cold when they arrived" or something like that. You know, something that gives him an indication all is not going as smoothly as it might, but doesn't leave him weeping and wondering what he's doing with his life.
The other day, I rang up to ask for some feedback on a job I missed out on. The lady on the phone said she couldn't remember my application, off the top of her head. She would have to "look in the folder" if I wanted any further feedback. In a tone of voice that strongly suggested, she really couldn't be bothered looking in the folder. She wasn't meaning to be unkind, she was just busy and not interested. I however had spent the last two weeks working really hard on that application. And, yes, I also had all sorts of my own stuff (hope, pride, expectation) riding on it. I didn't cry or anything, but I was pretty crushed. But on reflection, I got the honest feedback I was asking for (your application was completely un-memorable and failed to catch my attention at all). Sure, I would have preferred a softer delivery, but hey I'm alright. And with my new stick-on sequins and glitter glue, my next application will be unforgettable!
So I completely agree that kindness is an ideal part of any feedback. I would like to know my bum looks big in these jeans, but I'd really like you to say it using words like "curvaceous" and "bootylicious", rather than "fat".
But sometimes tempering the truth with kindness makes me wonder if I'm being dishonest, and maybe a little cowardly too.
For example. A coupla months ago, a relative did something that felt like a major betrayal of trust to me. It's a long and boring story, but suffice to say I got really upset with her. But I can see that to someone else without my particular set of baggage and views, the behaviour might just have seemed a bit weird or annoying or whatever. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful partner to offload to, and a cushion to sit on for a few days, and time to calm down and think it over. As I sat I watched my mind and emotions reeling and swirling then slowly, slowly, calming. Then swirling up again! Then calming down again. Then swirling up again! you know.
With gritted teeth, I reflected on how much this relative means to my kids, my partner, and (oh, alright) me. I saw her kindness, her unconditional love for us and the many ways she makes our life fabulous. Many ways. Seriously, I need to emphasise this: many, many ways.
But, I know this person is also really defensive and hopeless at receiving feedback. Sorry, but she is. Takes one to know one. And I am pretty upset about it all. So I can't know for sure, but if I try to deal with this situation by confronting her and giving her some feedback about her actions, and how they affected me, I am pretty convinced that it could blow up into a highly emotional exchange of views, or as a non-Buddhist might call it, a "big fight". I am also pretty sure this would fail to achieve anything except lasting tension and discomfort between us, which would probably not only make us unhappy but also the kids, and my partner. So maybe complete honesty is not the best policy here, partly because SHE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!! and partly because I'm not sure I can deliver the truth all that nicely right now.
Another option is, I could just let it go, give myself some time and get over it. If I do the latter, am I being dishonest? I guess I am, to her at least, because I'm acting kind of distant for a week or two and not telling her why. But on balance I still feel it's the best course of action, resulting in the least total amount of suffering for myself and others.
So maybe that is my best course of action right now, and I have to make very sure that while I am not being fully honest with her, I am being fully honest with myself. My job is to acknowledge how hurt and angry I feel about this, and give myself time and space to feel these things and let them pass in their own good time. I also need to take full responsibility for my decision to not confront my rellie, because there's no point not telling her how I feel, then feeling hurt and angry with her for not knowing how I feel.
Am I wisely balancing the truth with kindness, according to soundly reasoned values and mindful acceptance of my own limitations and hers? Or, am I being cowardly and doing what's convenient? Can I ever really tell the difference? Not sure, not sure.
