subject: Self Confidence - What is the Secret of Success? [print this page] Self Confidence - What is the Secret of Success?
Confidence, confidence, confidence. We hear about it all the time, described in manydifferentways- self-confidence, self-assurance, assertiveness, self-reliance. The dictionary defines it as 'a belief in oneself and one's powersor abilities'. All sounds like great stuff. So how do I get some?
To those who have it, it seems like themost naturalthing in the world."You just need tobe more confident", they say, as if those who lack it simply need to flick the magic 'Confidence' switch to 'On'. But to those who lack it, it seems like the most elusive, intangible, and unattainable pot of gold at the bottom of the rainbow of life. And of course, this is true, ifthat's what youbelieve. If you honestly don't believe in yourself and your powers and yourabilities, then confidence will remain at the bottom of that rainbow forever, always there but forever out of your reach. Because as withmany things in life,being self-confidentrevolves around your beliefs - as the saying goes, "If you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're right." Wise words from Henry Ford.
So here's the secret: Self Confidence, in itself, is not something you can get, not something you can achieve, not even something you are lucky enough to be born with. What it is, is a by-productof something else. It is a by-product of believing in your ownpower, of believing in your own abilities, of believing in yourself. Self confidence comes from having positive beliefs about yourself. If your beliefs are working with you, encouraging you, supporting you, then you will become self-confident as a result. In contrast, if you have a nagging voice in your head constantly telling you that you can't, you won't, you'll never, then you'll come to believe the voice, and you won't feel sure of yourself anymore. It's like the difference between having a loving, nurturing parent, encouraging you along the path of life,and a negative, twisted'friend', who doesn't want you to succeed, lest you become happy and leave them behind.
Okay, so we've gotten this far: We know thatself-confidenceis a by-product of ourbeliefs, beliefs which are chattering away in our heads, tellingus 'how things are.' If our beliefs say nice things, we are up and away, but if they say negative things, we get stuck and scared and unsure. The point is, we believe whatever our beliefs are telling us, and we behave accordingly: confidently or deflated.
So, logically,all we need to do ismake surethat the chatter in our heads isjust saying nice things. Easy. Well, of course, it's never going to be that easy, but essentially, yes,it's true. If we can gain some control over what we tell ourselves, and therefore what we believe about ourselves,then we can start to feel more confident about who we are and what we are capable of. Of course thistakes work, self-awareness, and exploration, but it is possible and it is worth it. Many people seek out counselling, life coaching, ortherapyin orderto do this work. How you choose to tackle itall depends on how deep-seatedyour lack of confidenceis and how you want to approach it. If you have no idea how to approach it, then a good rule of thumb is tothink about why you think you lack confidence. For example, if you had a traumatic event in your past that shattered your self-confidence, thena counsellor or therapist would be more suitable for you. If however, you havealways just been a bitshy and lacking in confidence as part of your character, a life coach can work with you to improve your confidence using various coaching and cognitivetechniques.
Here are a few techniques you can work on rightnow get you started on your way:
1. Become Aware
Your beliefs are in your head, and they are expressed by what you tell yourself in your head. Therefore it follows that to be more aware of what your beliefs are, you need to listen to the thoughts in your head. Don't be fooled, what you consciously think you believe about yourself, and what thatself talkin your head is telling you are not necessarily the same thing!
Listen carefully to what you tell yourself as you go through your day - how many times did you tell yourself you couldn't do something, you weren't good enough, you weren't smart/funny/attractive enough, you didn't have the ability to do something? You will be shocked at just how often you put yourself down in one day.
2. Challenge It
Where is this negative voicecoming from? Is it you, or is it someone else in your life whose voice has become a constant critical companion? If it comes from someone else, ask yourself how much you really value this person's opinion. Challenge this voice. Find evidence that contradicts it. Even ask it what it is trying to achieve.
3. Be Nice to You
Now that you are aware of how mean you are being to yourself, stop it! Every timeyou go to say something negative about yourself, stop it! Don't give it the space in your head. Remember, your mind will believe whatever you tell it, so don't entertain these thoughts anymore. Of course this takes practice, but keep at it and it will start to take effect.
4. Turn it Around
Start telling yourself good, positive and kind things instead. Think about your positive attributes, your talents, your good points. Take each negative statement you used to say and turn it around into something more positive. For example,if you are not very good at something thatyou would like to be good at, rather than saying you are no good at it, tell yourself you can learn to do it better.
There are so many different ways to deal with a lack of confidence, but it all starts with changing what you believe about yourself. Look at any great success story in history, and that key ingredient of self belief will always be incredibly evident. Start with this, and the rest will all start to fall into place. Good luck!
