subject: Bullying The Core Issues [print this page] It is sometimes hard to understand the formation of targets, bullies and children who use both types of behaviors. Here are some guidelines.
The target
Dan Olveus, the Norwegian anti-bullying pioneer, believes that many targets come from overprotective families. This includes the cautious, sensitive child who has a close relationship with Mum and an emotionally distant father; and families who cocoon their children, e.g. the special child. Others come from caring but quiet, shy homes with little need to practice confronting stressful encounters and restricted opportunities for socializing outside their nuclear family. Many children believe that their health, financial and other family difficulties make the bullying insignificant, so they dont tell their parents about the bullying. Help is delayed or denied. Finally, if a child cant stand up to the parents he loves and say No, then he cant stand up to bullies he hates and say Dont.
The reactive target
This child is a target and a bully at different times. She is unpredictable; many such children are self-involved, show minimal interest in others, and have poor self-esteem and social difficulties. Some react to a personal, family or other difficulty, past or present, by becoming aggressive instead of assertive. They are often disliked by adults. They may have learning difficulties, concentration difficulties or be immature, hyperactive, and attention-seeking. They are overly sensitive to banter or criticism; they blame the absence of justice and fight back, thereby prolonging the bullying game.
They cant express their feelings in a constructive, assertive manner, so their children resort to a cocktail of passive and aggressive behaviors at school and at home. Some angry parents then maintain this role model by sabotaging or suing the school.
The bully
The trend is clear. Although a few children are born with psychopathic tendencies, the majority learn how to be bullies from the role models at home and school. They are trained by miserable, broken or dysfunctional families. Love, acceptance and respect are disguised or conditional. They can be victimized or bullied themselves. The child learns that bullying is okay because his parents dont expect him to show empathy for others. Nor does he learn how to respect those who are handicapped, different or gifted. He becomes intolerant, racist, chauvinistic, homophobic or discriminatory.
Others have passive parents who deny, who show little interest in their childs misbehaviors, and who wont discipline them. They spoil them in order to compensate for their difficulty in providing on-the-job parenting. These children have no behavior boundaries or consistent guidelines: one day they can get away with bashing their younger brother, the next day they cant. Some learn from their families how to enjoy watching targets suffer, while some parents value aggression in their child You showed them.
The end result is obvious. The bully copies his significant role models. No one has made him accountable for his bullying behaviors or demonstrated more effective ways of releasing negative feelings and relating to people. The cycle then continues when the bully is shamed and blamed.
