subject: I'm Not Able To Forgive My Cheating Husband: Tips And Advice That Might Help [print this page] I'm Not Able To Forgive My Cheating Husband: Tips And Advice That Might Help
Most people will cite a lack of trust as the reason that marriages end after an affair. This is sometimes the case.But, from my readers' stories and fromand my own experience, I firmly believe that it is the inability to forgive the affair that ends many marriages. And, many times, the spouse who was cheated on actually very much wants to forgive. They truly want to move on and save their marriages. They try everything that they can think of to get through this, but at the end of the day, they just can not bring themselves to forgive once and for all.
If you're in this situation, this article is meant to bring your attention to some things that might be keeping you stuck. And, you may be able to overcome these things if you address them and then handle or navigate them correctly.
Are They Acting The Way That You Need Them To? Are They Remorseful And Accountable?: So many times, a spouse will tell me something like: "You know, I might think about forgiving him if he was sorry and took responsibility for his cheating. But, he isn't. He acts like it's no big deal or that I'm overreacting," or "he insinuates that somehow the affair was my fault, that I didn't give him what he needed. Well, I didn't exactly get what I needed either, but I didn't go out and cheat."
These things are valid. The spouse has every right to be angry. But, often, when I ask "well what did he say when you told him this?," there's either silence or they will admit to me that they haven't discussed this with their spouse. The truth is, often a spouse will try very hard to downplay the affair because they think that if they can diminish it to themselves, that maybe they'll get lucky and be able to diminish it to you. They hope that the less they talk about it, the faster that things can get back to normal.
You need to make very clear to them that things are most certainly not going to get back to normal until they help you to get exactly what you need. Now, you are going to need define exactly what this is and ask for it, because if you wait for them to do this for you, you're likely to be waiting for a long time, if not forever. The truth is, a person who has made a huge mistake does not want to harp upon or draw out the consequences of that mistake. That's just human nature.
You need to stop this cycle by calling them on this. Make very clear what you must have and then ask them to give it to you. For example,if they are not showing any remorse, sit themdown and ask them to listen as you describe just how you've been hurt. (No mud slinging here, just calmly tell them.) And, firmly explain that you can't even begin to move past this untilyou know that they love you enough to be deeply sorry for hurting you.
If youneed reassurance that they still love you and desire you, you'll need to come right outwiththis. Ican not tell you how many cheating spouses tellme that they want to reach out to their partners, they want to hold them and show affection, but theyare afraid of being rejected. Theyoften tell me things like: "I know that my touch repulses her. I will just let her takethe lead because I feel like every time I reach out, she thinks I'm a pervert. "
So, you may want to clear the way for them and just take a deep breath and define for them exactly what you want and need. This will feel difficult at first, but this does two things. It gives them the green light so that they don't have to guess and It's given them no wiggle room to get out of it. If you tell them and then they still resist, you'll have your answer.
What Can You Do To Help And Support Yourself?: Sometimes, people will tell me that in actuality, their spouse has done everything right. They are full of apologies. They are willing to go to counseling or have the difficult discussions or do whatever it takes to help you move past this. They take complete responsibility and know that, no matter what the state of your marriage, cheating is deal breaker and is all their fault. It is a choice that they made and they are going to make it right. They let you know where they are and they're always truthful.
Still, many spouses tell me that even though the cheating spouse is completely remorseful and is doing everything in their power to make it right, they still can not forgive. In this case, I often ask the wronged spouse to take a look at any insecurities within themselves that are holding them back. Because, sometimes it's that evil little voice in your head based on your own insecurities, and not your spouse, which is keeping you stuck. It's the little voice that says "I knew you'd run him off," or "do you really think that you can keep him after this?" Or, "you know that he's going to cheat again it's only a matter of time."
In short, your inability to forgive is based on good, old fashioned FEAR. You're afraid that you can't handle this again and that you're not good enough. This is really as much your doubting yourself as doubting your spouse. So, once you've done the work with your spouse, if you are still stuck, you will also need to do some work on yourself.
You'll need to address issues of insecurity and fear. Is there something that was bugging you even before the cheating took place? Because in my own heart, I was always a bit insecure. I felt like the unequal partner in my marriage. Yes, being a stay at home mom is noble career, but it always left me feeling like I was the lower class citizen in the marriage. So, when my kids got older I went back to school, started my own business, and drastically improved my appearance. This did many things. It made me feel better about myself and it gave me the confidence that I would be OK no matter what. And, it made me believe my husband when he said he loved and wanted me. Because, for the first time, I finally believed myself to be desirable and lovable.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
