subject: Forgiving A Cheating Husband: Tips For Deciding If This Is The Right (Or Wrong) Choice For You [print this page] Forgiving A Cheating Husband: Tips For Deciding If This Is The Right (Or Wrong) Choice For You
I geta lot of emails from women who are worried that forgiving the boyfriend, husband, or partner who cheated on them is wrong or says something negative about them. Many of them will tell me things like: " I feel like I have no backbone or self respect, but I can't help it, I still love him," or "my friends are mad at me and say I'm crazy to forgive him after he cheated," or "my mother doesn't understand that he's very remorseful and that I want to make this marriage work."
Before I go any further, I need to disclose to you that I ultimately (after a lot of time, distance, and healing) chose to forgive my husband after he cheated and save our marriage. So, I know that nagging doubts that can plague you once you've made the decision to forgive. But, I also feel that often the nagging doubts are there because you know that deep down you haven't gotten everything that you need and things aren't completely settled to your satisfaction. So, in the following article, I'll talk about your right to forgive and how to make sure you have what you need to do it with a clear conscience, if that is ultimately what you decide is the best choice for you.
Forgiving Isn't The Same As Forgetting Or GivingYour HusbandA Free Pass: Many people will mistake forgiveness for just letting the cheating spouse or boyfriend off the hook. When done correctly and for the right reasons, forgiveness is more for the person who was cheated on than for the person who cheated.
What I mean by that is that forgiveness done the right way is all about your deciding that you no longer want to hold on to the anger, bitterness, and resentment that is plaguing you. You want to focus your attention on healing and moving forward instead.
This doesn't mean that you are completely erasing what happened or are no longer holding them accountable for their actions. Not at all. It just means that you're choosing to let go of the score keeping and you no longer want to present yourself as the walking wounded. Because, you're able to separate the person who cheated from the decision that they made. You're choosing not to throw away a relationship that genuinely made you happy over one mistake. And, you're able to remember the person who did so many other good things and shared so many other good memories before this event derailed everything.
Making Sure You Have What You Need To Forgive With A Clear Conscious: As I've said, often women who worry about it being wrong to forgive a cheater suspect in the dark corners of their mind that, at least in some small way, they're letting their man off the hook too soon.
In order to make sure this isn't the case, it's important that you have everything that you need to move forward and that your husband or boyfriend has been willing to give it to you and to help you heal.
This often means that he is genuinely sorry and remorseful and that he is willing to work with you, be honest, and do whatever is necessary to determine why the cheating happened and to fix things and place safeguards in place so that this never happens again. He is patient when you struggle through this and he's willing to do whatever is necessary to support you as you heal.
He makes himself available to you and makessure he is where he says he's going to be. He understands when you browse through phone records and emails. He is full of reassurance and affection and he takes full responsibility for the affair and doesn't try to blame you for his own actions.
Now, not all men will do all of these things at first. But, as the seriousness and severity of the situation sinks in and as he witnesses the woman that he loves in pain, he should eventually step up to the plate if he is someone who is worthy of forgiveness.
It's Between The Two Of You. No One Else: Often, well meaning friends or family members will offer up judgments about your wanting to forgive. This can be difficult and can make you doubt your decision or your own character. But, it's important to understand that your marriage and your relationship is no ones business but your own. Your friends and family aren't there to fully understand what is going on,the history that you share, or the redeeming qualities of your partner.
So long as you know in your heart that your partner is truly remorseful and is doing everything in their power to make this right, forgiveness is your choice to make. It's your relationship and your right no one else's. With that said, the opposite is true if you decide not to forgive. There is no right or wrong answer. It's just what is right for you.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
