subject: Advice to Help Couples Communicate Properly [print this page] Advice to Help Couples Communicate Properly
1) Good communication is a dialogue between 2 or more people where one side speaks and the other side reacts or responds to what was said, either by an action or words. In order for there to be good communication, there can not be any obstacles between what one person says and what the other person hears.
For example, you're talking on the phone but there is static on the line. That static is preventing you from receiving clearly what the other person is trying to say. In this case good communication is not being applied.
Another common example is, a husband is on his computer working, and his wife is trying to communicate with him. Since his attention is on the computer, he is unable to receive clearly the message she is trying to give him. He might respond with thetypical,"Uh huh,.. or yeah sure honey". But then later on, the argument begins when she asks him, "did you do what I told you to do", and he responds, "what are you talking about", and she says "did you do that thing I told you to do while you were in the computer". At that point it's obvious, he was not really listening. Obviously good communication was not applied.
In order for communication to work properly there can not be any obstacles in between the two communicating sides.
As a couple, you should learn to communicate without any obstacles intervening. So, if your on the computer and your wife wants to speak to you. Stop doing whatever you're doing in the computer and pay full attention to your wife. This is good communication.
2) Tell your partner how you feel and listen to your partner. Avoid the terms, You are like this!...and...you are like that!..., especially when you're angry, but learn to say, in a calm way, When you do this, you make me feel like this....
Using this form of communication, you're partner will not feel attacked and therefore will not put up a line of defense. If you tell your partner, "You are like this!" He immediately feels attacked and therefore he must retaliate by telling you, "oh yeah, well you're like that!" and before you know it, you're both in an argument and nothing was gained.
But when you tell you're partner, "When you do this, you make me feel like this" or "I feel like this, when you do that", then there is no direct attack, and the communication between you two, will have gain.
Use this form of communication not only when you want to express something negative but also for the positive things. For example, you can say, when you call me from work just to say hi, I feel like you love me... This will probably increase the number of calls you receive from your partner during the day, or at least he won't stop doing it. Or you can say, you know when I talk to you and you don't look at me, I feel neglected... I feel like you're not really listening. This might have a better result, then saying to your partner straight out, You always neglect me!
3) Which brings me to my next point. Never use the words, "always" or "never" in a negative way. For example, don't ever say to your partner, "You ALWAYS disrespect me" or "You NEVER listen to me". This will make your partner feel, that you don't appreciate the times he/she has listened to you or showed you any respect. Don't use those words, in those ways. Don't generalize a situation by saying ALWAYS or NEVER. Better to use the word "Sometimes".Say, you sometimes make me feel neglected, which might cause your partner to ask you, when? Then your conversation is not generalized but more specific, and will bring about better results.
Wishing your marriage the best.
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Advice for married couples to help couples achieve a happy and successful marriage.
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