subject: Do My Children Have One Home or Two? [print this page] Do My Children Have One Home or Two? Do My Children Have One Home or Two?
I'd like to firstly take your attention for a few minutes while I answer a really important question that I've been asked ... "Are my children meant to have one or two homes now we're divorced?" It's strange that this is one of the most confusing for parents to come to terms with - and yet it's not.
What you're about to learn is going to give you the opportunity to understand more about your Ex - and while that may not really seem that important to you - it is to your children.
Your children want their parents to 'just get along' more than anything else. They usually don't expect you to get back together. They don't expect you to be best buddies. They don't even want to share in all the family events together ... they just want you to get along when you do need to be in the same room together.
Throughout my many years of research, it's also evident that the parent that has the hardest time allowing this to happen is the person who is what I term the 'Leavee'. This means that they didn't choose for the marriage to end, or if they did make the final call, it was because they were living in circumstances that had them feel they were forced to end it - such as their Ex was having an affair. In short; they'd prefer to be in the marriage.
My research also shows that typically a Leavee has such a strong desire for their children to have a single home with them that they'll even correct their children when they talk about the Ex's house as being home. You'll over hear things like, "No Sweetie, this is home, that's ___ house, you've only got one home remember, you visit ___'s place."
Here's the part that we can easily overlook through our own deep feelings of hurt. While it may be true that your children spend most of their time with you, for your children, both parents are equally important.
For them to have to cast value on who's place is more important is to tell them they're not allowed to enjoy their parents equally.
That's either really confusing, or hurtful to your child.
The reality is your children will call the place where they feel they belong "home". It's not so much the place they lay their heads to rest at night, it's the place that they recognise for themselves. They'll want to belong with both their mother and father ... this is natural for children.
So, I understand that part of you feels that you're losing them between two homes, yet for your children perhaps see if you can help them see what they're gaining.
How do you see what they're gaining when you can only see what they're losing - and also what you're losing? One way that can help you to start seeing some gains is if you have a friend who has been through a divorce, and their arrangements hindered them from seeing their own child.
If you have watched the emotional turmoil that your friend has been through, and the children's desire to be with their parent, you may get just a glimpse into how much your friend and their children want two homes.
It's always amazing to me how much we can accept things in our friends circumstances - and sometimes even gang up against their Ex - and yet when it's in our own life, we judge harshly.
So, while it's understandable, it's also explainable ... and it's really helpful to give your children the opportunity to call home wherever they feel they belong.
I'd like to also talk about how to create the two homes ... it's more than just going out and buying new beds, a few toys and hoping that it's enough to have your children feel like they belong.
There are differences between the two homes that effect every level of their worlds.
Actually there are five major categories that I cover in more detail inside my "Routines That Rock" program where we discuss each of them.
I'll share the things that really work for your children. The issues that these differences create and the way you can hold your children's hands while they adjust to them.
You can start today by investing in you and your family's happiness to receive:
A series of videos with me walking you through each aspect of routines and making them work with your children and Ex.
Worksheets to help you sort out what the best routine is for your family.
A checklist to avoid items forgotten at handovers.
And you get to ask me your routine-related questions throughout the program.
These are real answers to your Routine problems - and they can be solved today.
