subject: Should You Seek Or Get Revenge On Your Husband's Mistress? Is It Even Worth It? [print this page] Should You Seek Or Get Revenge On Your Husband's Mistress? Is It Even Worth It?
It's perfectly normal to fixate on the other woman or mistress when finding out about a husband's cheating. Of course you want to know who she is, what she looks like, how she got her hooks into your husband, and what her intentions are with this whole sorted thing. These feelings are normal.
I can't tell you how many emails I get from wives who are plotting and planning elaborate revenge plots against the other person. Wives feel that getting this revenge will make them feel better and will at least allow them some satisfaction in exchange for their pain. However, some do intuitively sense that opening up this can or worms can do more harm than good. Yesterday, I got an email from a woman who asked "is it really worth it to get revenge on her? Will it help me or just make me feel worse?" I'll answer this question in the following article.
Understanding What You Really Want (And Hope To Gain) By Confronting The Mistress: Often, when I ask wives what they hope to gain by facing down the other woman, I get a variety of responses like: "I want her to know that I know exactly what she's up to and I'm not going to stand for it," or "I want to feel her out and see just who she is and what he might see in her," or "I want her to know that their will be serious consequences if she keeps this up," (to threaten her) or "I want her to realize what she's done to our family."
All of these things assume though that she's going to be rational, receptive, and that she'll actually listen to what you're saying. Her past behavior indicates that this isn't likely. She's already shown herself to be dishonest, unintelligent, and lacking in impulse control, so it's unlikely that you're going to get any satisfaction dealing with someone like this.
I know from experience that what most women are looking for by seeking revenge is something to make them feel better. They are looking for some relief from the pain and some sense of control over the situation. But, truly, there are healthier ways to achieve this that don't force you to allow this woman into your life any more than she already is.
You Have More Control Than You Think: You Don't Need To Obtain This From Her: As I've said, most women will look for revenge on the mistress to regain a sense of control. But often, the opposite occurs. Often, the other woman is hurtful and spiteful and is all too happy to tell you things that will hurt you and she then will often come after your husband and your family to extract her own personal revenge. In essence, you're only prolonging this unfortunate cycle for much longer than you have to.
To feel better and heal from the affair (which I believe is the true goal) you will need to start focusing on creating positive experiences and a sense of control. You can give these things to yourself, whether you want to save your marriage or not. It's important for you to understand that this is not your fault. It is the fault of two people over whom you had no control. No matter what was lacking in your marriage, there were other options available. But, your husband chose the most undesirable option and he will need to take responsibility for this.
Instead of confronting her and allowing more of this negativity into your life, protect yourself from things that weaken and hurt you and only allow in things that strengthen and heal you. Be kind to yourself. Define what you need and make sure that you get it. Take your power back. Surround yourself with the people who care and the things that make you happy.
If You Want To Save Your Marriage, Letting This Woman Into Your Life Will Only Make Things Worse: If you chose to try to rescue your marriage, you really should cease all contact with this woman that includes both you and your husband. And, if you want answers and reassurances, you should seek them from your husband, not from her. If you're seeking a release of the tension and want to feel better, seek this from people that you trust and who have your best interests at heart. She does not fit that bill.
And, if you do chose to save your marriage, you should put your efforts into doing the work necessary to reestablish the trust and intimacy. This will take a lot of your attention and time. You should be focused on your husband and creating positive experiences on which to rebuild. These things do not happen over night. It may be a while until you are ready for this. But, when you are, allowing this woman into your life is a step backward. Don't give her more power and presence than she deserves.
At the end of the day, the best revenge on her is your own happiness. Her best case scenario is to take away what you have and to have it for herself. So, your objective is to banish her from your life immediately. Insist that your husband stay away from her and vow to do the same.
I receive so many letters from wives concerned about revenge and I can tell you that it almost never turns out as you expect to and more often than not, it just makes you feel worse, not better.
Confronting or talking to the woman that your husband cheated with is probably only one of the issues you are dealing with. I know that working through this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
