subject: Ways To Get A Husband To Come Back To You [print this page] Ways To Get A Husband To Come Back To You
Most of the correspondence that comes from my blog is asking for advice on how to get a husband either back invested in the marriage or to come back home after a separation or break up. Most of the wives who write or email just can not accept that this is the end of the marriage. Most of them feel that if they could just take the right steps and say the right things, they might have the chance to get him back. But, they are generally dealing with a husband who doesn't feel the same way. Often, the husband feels that this is the end of the road and he's just not listening anymore and isn't receptive to what is being said.
So, the wife knows that she has a tall order ahead of her, but she also suspects that if she could just find the right combination of actions, she could actually gain some ground. And, she knows that the love and commitment is buried somewhere underneath all of the misunderstandings and frustration. I very much understand the sense of hopelessness that goes hand in hand with this situation. I have been here, but I've eventually come out fine on the other side (and with my husband beside me, I might add.) In the following article, I'll share what I think are some of the best ways to get your husband back once and for all.
As Best Of As You Can, Focus On The Positive Rather Than The Negative, (And Make Sure That He Knows That You're On The Same Side:) It's so tempting to react badly and to say or do things that you might regret when you're terrified that your marriage is ending and that time is running out. So, it can make sense to try to "reason with" or "talk some sense into" your husband. But so often, this goes quite wrong because all he is hearing is that you're disagreeing with him and that you are trying to keep him from getting what he wants. Often, in his mind, all he sees is more arguing. And there is an implication that you think he doesn't understand the situation and his own feelings. Many husbands have told me that, at least when it comes to this situation, they feel that their wives don't respect their own right to be happy.
It's very important that you try to avoid this cycle. You really need for your husband to understand and to think that you want the same things that he does. You want for him to realize that you too want for the both of you to be happy and to be in a healthy and fulfilling place. But when you are endlessly engaging and debating with him (or following him around when he's not receptive to this) what you are really doing is encouraging him to see you as an adversary rather than an ally. You will have a much greater chance of success if you can change this.
Often when I tell women this, it does make at least some sense to them. But, they just don't know how to begin to make this happen. They worry about putting themselves out there and about changing their actions so drastically. Sure, there may be a tiny bit of awkwardness at first. But it's usually very much worth it. There is nothing wrong with telling your husband that you have thought this over and that it's clear that what you have been doing is making the both of you more and more unhappy. Nothing says that you can't tell him that you don't want to live your life this way.
There's nothing wrong with phrases like "I've recently come to see that the things I've been doing aren't working well at all. At the end of the day, I want for the two of us to be happy and excited about the future. The way that things are going aren't likely to make this happen. Starting today, I'm no longer going to be involved in the things that only make this worse. You're important enough to me that I don't want to lose our relationship. I'm not sure what our relationship will be six months from now, but I want it to be a positive one. So, I'm going to act in the way that makes that more likely."
Look To Past Clues Before You Dwell On The Present And The Future: Almost always, when I ask people who email me if their marriage has always been this way, I'm usually told no. Most people tell me that in the beginning, things looked quite different. This is almost universally true. People often tell me that in the beginning when they were "in love," the two of them got along in a much different way than they do now. Often, when I ask why this is, I will get answers like "well, we've just changed." Or, "we have more stress now."
These things may well be true. But often the habits, priorities, focus, and methods of interactions have also changed. Over time, almost all of us begin to take one another for granted and to place our priorities and attention toward other places. This doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or your marriage. This is very normal. But it can take a toll on our marriages.
Here's the good news though. You very much know what the relationship looked like when it was much better than it is now. You know which things you enjoyed doing together. You know how you interacted with him. And you know which behaviors got you the best results. Use this information. No, you can't turn back time. But you can most certainly draw on the most successful past behaviors.
Know That Men Typically Base Their Perceptions About A Relationship On How The Relationship Makes Them Feel About Themselves: This is another nugget of information that many people do not take advantage of. So often, a man's perception of his marriage is at least somewhat based on how he feels about himself within the marriage. When you were dating, he likely very much felt loved, desired, understood, and appreciated. The relationship made him feel special and unique. It can be difficult to focus on these things when you're separated or estranged. But this is part of making him feel heard and that you want the same things. This process is so much easier if you can make him feel that you want the best for him and that you understand where he is coming from and want to help him to reach his goals. Always remember this when you are interacting with him, which brings me to my next point.
Make Every Interaction Count: In the beginning, before he understands that you are on his side, he may not give you free access to him. That's why you must make every meeting or conversation count. At the same time, it is so important that you don't come off as desperate, afraid, needy or angry. This must look very genuine. Its so vital to project positive rather than negative emotions as much as you can. Allow him to think that you are busy, coping, and are getting out with friends and family. You don't want for him to think that you are falling apart and are non functional. Show him the lighthearted, funny, insightful person that he fell in love with. You want for him to see that same women who made him feel so good about himself.
If you can do these things, you will usually begin to mold a foundation onto which you can usually begin to slowly begin the relationship so that, at the end of this process, you will have your husband back for good.
After my husband left (but I desperately wanted him back,) I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.
