subject: How Can I Make Him Happy Again? [print this page] How Can I Make Him Happy Again? How Can I Make Him Happy Again?
I hear from wives in this situation quite a bit. Last night, I received an email from a woman whose husband had sat her down and told her that he "just was not happy in the marriage anymore." He didn't really give her any specific reasons for this. Rather, he stuck with the broad assertions like he just felt that things were stale, a bit repetitive, and that his life wasn't how he envisioned it or wanted it.
Needless to say, the wife was devastated by this. No one wants to know that their husband is unhappy and feeling that he's not experiencing or enjoying all that life has to offer. But, it was even worse for her to think that she had something to do with him not reaching his happiness potential. She wanted to take action and make immediate and lasting change, but she didn't not where to begin and her husband was completely distant and non receptive to anything she had to say.
So she was sort of flying blind. And it was clear that her husband wasn't going to give her a road map as to what it would take to restore his well being and to get him invested in the marriage again. She wanted to know how to best accomplish these things. I'll tell you what I told her in the following article.
Sometimes, You And Your Marriage Are Not The Sole Cause Of Your Husband's Unhappiness, But Since He Perceives That You Are, You Should Take Action Anyway: It's not at all uncommon for you to be only one of many contributing factors to your husband's state of mind. And, it's usually no coincidence that this "I'm not happy talk" comes along around the same time that other stressors and worries rear their ugly head.
And while it's easy for you to connect the dots as a more objective outsider, this is typically not quite as easy for your husband. It can be easier to blame those close to you who are convenient rather than to take a long, hard look at yourself. And you're right if you're thinking that this just isn't quite fair. It isn't. But, you have to be realistic also and work with the hand that you are dealt.
Pointing out where your husband is wrong or mistaken is not going to be all that likely to make him come to his senses or to endear you to him. In fact, men will often see this as your not respecting them, as your not listening, or as your nagging. When these things happen, he may sometimes retreat even more and this will only reinforce his belief that you're making him unhappy.
To avoid this waste of time and this mistake, it can help to just accept that his perception might as well be reality, at least for the time being. You don't want to make matters even worse or to contribute to him even more distant. It can be really tempting to just hope for the best and to have faith that this will blow over and that things will get better. But, I find it best to take some decisive and positive action. Often, being proactive and coming across as positively will at worst allow for things to not get any worse, and at best it can actually improve the situation.
You Can't "Make" A Husband Be Happy Again, But You Can Certainly Set Up The Environment And Control The Situations That Make His Happiness More Likely: When people ask me how to "make" their husband happy, warning flags begin to go up in my mind. Because I made this same assumption and mistake with somewhat disastrous results. In reality, you can't force someone to feel emotions that don't come naturally or that they are resisting. And, trying to do this just comes across as manipulative and disrespectful. If you try to enforce your own desires onto him, it implies that you don't respect his right to his own feelings or don't think he knows himself well enough to know what he's feeling. This isn't likely to win you any points either.
With that said though, you do likely have advantages that you aren't even aware of. You likely know this many better than nearly any one else. You understand his motivations, fears, and preferences. This is a huge advantage if you use it correctly. Now, I do realize that times have changed between today and between the time where you first fell in love and were blissfully happy. But sometimes, we allow for the way we prioritize and relate to each other to change also.
We take each other for granted. We tune each other out. We allow for the priorities of life to take all of the fun and playfulness for our relationship. As a result, our partner can fear that we no longer understand, appreciate, and are protective of them. So, when those stressors that are probably the source of your husband's unhappiness come around, he likely hopes and expects that you will be his nice and soft place to fall. And, when this doesn't happen as he envisions it, resentment and underlying anger can fester. As a result, he can begin to project these negative feelings onto you.
To combat this, you'll want to keep things light hearted and positive. You can even be very direct and ask him if there is anything that you can do to support him since his happiness is your highest priority. He may be resistant at first, but if you can show him that you're the same playful person that he fell in love with and that your marriage can return to a place where it shares these characteristics, then you can change the atmosphere from one that is conducive to resentment and distance to one that encourages connection, appreciation, and protection.
Many husbands tell me that their wife just doesn't seem to take the time to understand them anymore. Sure, this is a bit one sided and selfish on their part. (And it may not even be accurate.) But, if you can address this perception and then change it, I suspect that some of the perceptions about his unhappiness are also going to begin to change. And you will likely both be happy again as the result.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage and was supposedly no longer in love with me. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
