subject: And i lost everything [print this page] And i lost everything And i lost everything
I was a girl of 15 years old. I went to one of the most snobbish places in town for school.I Had everything, 2 best friends, amazing family, good grades, a miss-goody-two-shoes image in the mind of teachers (though the case was quite the opposite) which inexorably made me a favourite among the teachers. I even had a potential love interest who had just called it quits with his girlfriend of 3 months. And rumour had it that the break-up was because this well admired boy had a thing for me! What more could I have asked for? The most popular boy in school has a crush on me! I dreamed wild. And slowly, in my own 15 yr old way, I fell in love with him. He sat just behind me in class, which all the more gave us an excuse to talk (or should I say flirt?). This made me quite popular too, both among the girls and the boys. Soon, we started dating. Everything was perfect. I was floating. The days became brighter and the nights more beautiful. I had a multi-million dollar smile which I flaunted every second of my existence. This was when I knew things were too good to be true. Before I could even properly revel into the surrealism of everything that was happening to me, things started taking the downward spiral, leading me into a series of one destructive event after another.
First, my parents stopped me from going out of the house because I had to focus on studying considering I had my 10th board exams in a few months. So I couldn't go out anywhere with my boyfriend or my friends. I was pretty much on house arrest. This made me feel left out. It was social suicide. My friends had fun without me. And on the rare occasions when I met them (which was basically when they came over to my house), they spoke about the amazing time they had that day and how I should have been there.
No one understood my plight. I wasn't the kind of person to go against my parents or sneak out of the house, which was becoming an alarmingly prevalent trend. I had to stay at home. And study. Geek, nerd, etc were the words which started to define my calibre. Replacing the likes of amazing, cute, pretty. I was becoming more and more out of touch with the world. At least with the teen world, which was what basically mattered. I might as well be socially retarded. At least my best friends were still best friends. This made my life bearable. Until the day when I found out I had been dumped by this so-called boyfriend of mine. It would have been a wee bit better if I had gotten this news from the one who was dumping me. What made it worse was that I got this news from the girl I had been dumped for. Yes, my heart was broken. We hardly ever spoke to each other after that.
I had been wronged. But that didn't make it any easier. I was still very much in love with him. I cried during the nights, hoping nobody would hear me. During the day, I was as silent as a grave. I might as well be in one. My grades started to drop. My parents made me study more and more. I couldn't concentrate on anything that was said and done. I didn't show the slightest hint of emotion, unless I was left alone, when I took the liberty to cry. I soon started despising my parents for everything they were making me go through.
As if things couldn't get worse, my parents read the messages me and my ex-boyfriend had sent each other during happier times. They were furious. I swore nothing of the relation was left. But looking at my grades, they thought otherwise. I was scolded and snapped at alternately. And if it was my lucky day, not spoken to at all. I had lost everything that made me smile once upon a time. No friends, no family. And a heartbreak to cope with. A never ending pain in my chest accompanying the one in my head. My eyes were swollen most of the times. I was lost in a desert. On and on the days went. I hardly noticed anything. I became so quiet that people hardly noticed my presence. I was caught in some spider web. I was trapped in some nightmare. Sleepless nights followed. And when I did fall asleep, I woke up several times covered with sweat. As if living in a nightmare wasn't enough, I got them during nights. Sometimes I wondered what I ever did to deserve this. I never hurt anyone. Then I thought, maybe this is what people meant when they said life was unfair. I was 15. I was supposed to be a child. I didn't know how to cope with anything. This pain, this misery, this life was new to me. I didn't know what I was doing most of the time, just did things because I was supposed to or asked to do. I lost all hope of a life with a happily ever after.
There was no point to life anymore. Suicidal thoughts started visiting my mind. Soon they became a frequent visitor. And I was left wondering whether I should really do this or not. Then, I thought why not? There wasn't any point left in this life. It seemed the only way to cease the suffering. I hoped my next life would spare me. But then, I was many things at that point of time. Loner, cry baby, depressed. But coward wasn't one of them. And my parents only wanted what was good for me. Even if they didn't know what exactly that was. Incidentally, my aunt and uncle had lost their daughter a few months ago. And I knew what the loss of a child did to the parents. And I loved my parents, in spite of the fact that they had made my life hell for me. I couldn't do this to them. No, I wasn't that evil. I couldn't do this to them. Most of all, I loved myself. I couldn't do anything that harmed me in any way. I wasn't weak. No. I can get through this situation, however hopeless it may seem now, it had to change. I would change it.
This got me thinking from a new perspective. Why was I doing this to myself? I definitely did not deserve the life I had temporarily settled for. So what was stopping me from doing the things I enjoyed without violating the house arrest rules? I made up my mind. I started watching TV. I started exercising. Even took up to talking animatedly, which I didn't remember doing for quite a while. And yes studying too. With boards knocking on my door, I had little time to catch up with everything. I thanked god for the fact that I as smart. I could easily understand things. But I feel stupid when I thought I was about to give up my career and my whole life because of one stupid boy who didn't even deserve to be talked to. As I went on with the execution of re-construction of my life, I started feeling good. I felt I could smile like I mean it. Smiling wasn't just movement of facial muscles anymore. But a feeling that everything was alright with the world. Everything was alright with me. And it will stay that way. I will make sure it does.
And so far so good. I am 18 yrs old, studying engineering in one of the top colleges of my city with a branch of my choice, I have friends whom I like spending time with. Ditto with family. And my brother has become one of my all time favourites. And I am popular. This time, it isn't because of a boy. Its all me.
