subject: Can You Save Your Marriage? Find Out How You May Be Able To... [print this page] How You Can Resolve Your Marriage Problems, Stop Your Divorce, & Save Your Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to get rid of your marriage problems and find the results and solutions you want, Pt. 6 - The Importance of Comfort, Pt 3.
Comfort has several aspect to it. All are CRUCIAL in the overall experience of comfort, and if you don't exercise each aspect you don't have true & genuine comfort. And what this means to you is your problems will most likely go unresolved; you or your partner will still feel misunderstood, invalidated, hurt or offended; you or your partner will still feel alone and unable to express real thoughts, feelings, beliefs, hopes, dreams, fears & anxieties; your marriage will continue to be a place of hurt disappointment, and unfulfillment - leading to divorce. This means you continue to 'hide out' from each other and only show the parts of yourselves you think you can; there are still parts of each of you which you think (consciously or unconsciously) you cannot reveal, express, or share. As a result, you are not your real & genuine self; you are living a sham, you are denying your own right to be loved & accepted as the real you.
Comforting someone, and receiving comfort, isn't difficult - it's not rocket-science; in fact, even kids can do this if someone like myself shows them the right way. Like I said, there's several crucial aspect to comfort, and here they are:
1. Listening to someone without interruption, denial, or defensiveness.
2. Clarifying what the person is saying. This involves summarizing what you heard & asking clarifying questions.
3. Validating how the person feels.
4. Creating a mutually-beneficial resolutions to the problem at hand.
5. The feeling of relief (which if you do steps 1-4 the right way, relief will be a natural by-product). With relief you can also expect to feel more peace; less stress; a sense of feeling important, valued, respected, & heard; a sense of resolution; beginning to feel conflict does not have to be threatening; feeling more comfortable bringing up problems or requests as to what you would like to see different.
Keep something in mind. Comfort is a SKILL. It isn't memorizing a math formula which once you memorize you simply apply and get the same results every time. Comfort is a skill you must continually practice if you want to master it. And like any other skill, such as swimming, playing tennis, singing, painting, creating and sticking to a budget, and so forth, the first time you do it it's going to feel awkward. You're going to feel uncomfortable. You're not going to know what you're doing. You may even feel silly. Maybe you think it 'won't work' or you're just not 'any good at it'. I'm sure these were your experiences with these other skills I mentioned, however, as you continued to practice and get coaching, you got better and better, more and more comfortable.
You CAN learn to give and receive comfort. And really if you truly want to experience a new level or the next several levels of peace, love, happiness, passion or fulfillment in the relationship with your spouse you WILL learn to give and receive comfort. You're marriage won't get better without it; your problems won't get fully resolved without it; there won't be real intimacy without it; there won't be real healing without it. You won't be able to stop your divorce without comfort. Like a drain clogged up only allowing a little water through, your marriage will only allow a little of the love, passion, fulfillment & happiness out there waiting for you. Do you want to experience more passion (or perhaps you don't even have any passion right now and would settle for feeling some) in your marriage? How about wanting more intimacy? What about less stress, more peace & more fun? Of course you do! I don't know ANYONE who doesn't want a BETTER marriage, regardless of how great it may already be.
Comfort is the highway taking you to Love City, Passion-ville, Fulfillment Square, & Happiness Town. And if you're feeling chocked up and dry-eyed from the dustiness of a marriage which is in danger of dying, jump on the Comfort Highway to get a different experience and create a different future!
Check out my next post where I break down the 5 aspects of comfort!
P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! Either leave a comment or email me. If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"
