subject: My Husband Swears He Won't Cheat Again. Can Or Should I Believe Him? Can I Trust Him? [print this page] My Husband Swears He Won't Cheat AgainMy Husband Swears He Won't Cheat Again. Can Or Should I Believe Him? Can I Trust Him?
One of the most common themes from the emails that I getfrom wives is the concern that their husband is going to cheat again. It can feel very vulnerable to open yourself up again when youaren't sure if you've going to be betrayed somewhere down the road. Some of the comments that I getare: "how can I trust him when he's betrayed me once?" or "what if once a cheater always a cheater' is true?" or "I feel like the second I let my guard down, I'm going to catch him again."
I understand these concerns as I felt themmyself. And while there are always going to be husbands who are repeat cheaters, there are agreat deal of husbands who are genuinely remorseful and would give anything to save their marriages and rebuild the trust, but have a hard timegettingtheir wife'sto believe their sincerity. I find that there are many signs and tip offs which indicate that a husband is trustworthy. I'll share them with you in the following article.
Does He Understand The Destruction Caused By TheCheating And Is He Genuinely Sorry?: Men who are less prone to cheat again feel the full force of exactly what the affair has caused. They would give anything to take this back. They can look back on the affair and see very clearly that it was a huge, preventable mistake and they are more than willing to take the steps necessary to prevent it from happening again.
They feel, validate, and are deeply sorry for the pain that they have caused and want to do anything and everything to make this right for no matter how long this takes.If your husband hasn't reached this point yet, that doesn't mean that he won't. Sometimes, a man will try to downplay or minimize the fall out because he thinks that if he doesn't draw attention to it or talk about, it will go away more quickly on it's on. It can help to tell your husband straight out that this is not going to go away until you get what you need to heal.
Is He Accountable And Taking The Blame For The Cheating?: A husband who is less likely to have another affair doesn't try to shift the blame to someone else or doesn't try to justify his own mistake. He will take full responsibility for the affair. Now, this doesn't mean that he won't point out places where you were vulnerable that need to be addressed and fixed. But, he doesn't tell you that the affair was entirely your fault because you didn't meet his needs or let yourself go and he doesn't tell you that this wasn't his fault because he didn't intend to cheat, etc. etc.
He understands that most of the work for righting this mess falls on his shoulders and he is patient and accountable throughout this process. He is willing to participate in the hard work that is necessary for improved communication, intimacy, and connectedness. Again, it can take a while (and a lot of work) before your husband gets to this place. They'll often try to save face by offering up excuses until they realize that you're just not going to have any of that.
Has HeMadeHimself An Open Book: A man who is totally committed to his wife will have nothing to hide. Although he may not really enjoy the new lack of trust and invasion to his privacy, he will make himself available and transparent. He understands that he will have to let you know where he is and who he is with. He is patient as you struggle with validating this information. Although it may feel awkward, he'll cooperate with letting you see his cell phone records or checking his emails. (Now obviously, you can't keep this up forever, but until the trust is restored, I believe this is fair game.)
When my husband and I were working on our marriage and restoring the trust, I read his emails and checked his phone records. There were a few times when I put a magnetic GPS tracker on his car. I'm sure he didn't enjoy these things, but he tolerated them with patience because he knew that I needed these little crutches for a while. I don't do these things anymore because I don't need to, but there were necessary to me at that time. Little by little, I learned that he was exactly where he said and I no longer needed this reassurance.
Again, your husband may not enjoy these things, but you can explain to him that you might need them for a while to feel secure and that you don't plan to keep them up forever. If you husband isn't giving you the things that you need to heal, by all means speak up. Unfortunately, your husband can't read your mind. But, if he's truly committed, remorseful, and trustworthy, he will work with you to ensure that you have what you need.
I know that restoring the trust after an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
