subject: Exercising forgiveness - Is it good for your health? [print this page] Exercising forgiveness - Is it good for your health?
"Always forgive your enemies nothing annoys them so much."
Oscar Wilde
Hands up anyone who has had a violation against them, something worthy of great condemnation?
*Hand goes up*
Nearly everyone people fit into this category by the time they reach adulthood, some worse than others. If you answered no' to this question you are either incredibly blessed or maybe you're not being honest with yourself.
I am pretty convinced that unresolved anger, repressed or otherwise, is bad for our mental and physical health. Last entry I discussed outcome-based anger, this time I'm going to explore a more conventional way of dealing with hurt and anger in situations where we have clearly been violated. Through forgiveness. I believe true forgiveness is the best way (maybe the only way)to effectively deal with anger and hurt so it follows that forgiveness is good for our health.
Recently I completed the bookMolecules Of Emotion: The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine by Candace B. Pert PH D, a neuroscientist who has for years been investigating the science behind the body-mind connection. It is a great book for many reasons, but for the purpose of this discussion she mentions the idea of forgiveness being beneficial for our bodies and minds on a molecular level.
But the way to forgive is not necessarily straight forward or well understood.
Having been brought up in a Judaeo-Christian environment, which teaches "forgiveness" at all costs, the concept has been hammered home to me since I was about 5 years old. However I often found the words "to forgive" thrown around without actually exploring what it actually means and as a result the idea of forgiving someone is either unacceptable or not really done properly, resulting in continuing anger expressed in rage or repression.
So what is forgiveness?
I think the best way is to first look atwhat it is not:
It is NOT forgetting. We don't suddenly have memory loss and all is well again'. (Sound a bit like repression?) Forgiveness is about working through to let go of the past the anger or hurt despite the unpleasant memories so they don't have power over us in the future.
It does NOT excuse or condone any behaviour that was a violation against us or that the offender is innocent. If the offender were innocent there would be no need to forgive. It is about freeing ourselves from the hold and negative emotions that the offensive behaviour has over us.
It is NOT letting someone get away with wrong actions. A person should still be accountable for the offending behaviour. Forgiveness can occur along side the need for accountability, such divorce, jail or cutting ties with someone.
It is NOT reconciliation. Rebuilding the relationship relies on both parties to participate in an acceptable manor, forgiveness relies on the one who has been violated. Reconciliation can be part of forgiveness, but only if we choose to make it so. It is not a requirement and it gives us the power to forgive people who are no longer in our lives.
It is NOT because the other person deserves it. Whether the person who hurt us deserves our forgiveness has nothing to do with our decision to grant it. We forgive others because we deserve it and it is a constructive way to deal with our anger and hurt.
It is NOT based on the condition of receiving an apology or a request of forgiveness.Forgiveness is unconditional. If we make out forgiveness conditional on what the other party does, we have made them a decision maker in the process of our forgiveness turning our lives over to the person who has hurt us.
It does NOT need to be accepted by the other party. Forgiveness is not offered, it is granted.
It is NOT being weak. Forgiveness takes strength and courage.
Here are a few tips in how to forgive:
Look after yourself and give yourself time to heal. Emotional pain has a profound effect on the mind and body. Eat well, meditate, exercise and rest.
Let yourself feel the emotions from the anger or hurt and work through them. Don't bottle up the pain. Take responsibility for these feelings. Get help if you can't do it on your own.
See what lessons can be learnt through balancing trust with wisdom. Not everyone is trustworthy. Pain from being violated can help us to protect us future hurts.
Once you have worked through your pain, don't continually dwell on what has happened and about how badly you were hurt and how horribly you were wronged. Negativity is depressing physically, mentally, spiritually and emotional.
Try to understand the other person's perspective, even if you don't really agree with it. Your willingness to see the story from the offender's perspective requires an effort of forgiveness.
Try to look at the positive side. See if you can identify any positive outcomes of the experience.
Forgiveness is definitely not an easy to thing to do, but I really think it is the key to managing the pain from anger and hurt and is extremely beneficial to your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.
