subject: The Healing Process When Your Spouse Cheats Or Has An Affair [print this page] The Healing Process When Your Spouse Cheats Or Has An Affair
I can think of very few things that were as painful and threw me for a loop as much as when I found out my husband had cheated. I've certainly had adversity in my life and have lived through some difficult times, but the betrayal, self doubt, and resentment that followed my husband's affair was very hard to overcome. With that said, I can now look back at it as a difficult time which I did get through and emerged stronger.
If you've found this article, you must believe that you can heal because you absolutely can. It will take a bit or work and it will take demanding and receiving what you need, but it can certainly be done. I will explain how in the following article.
Make Sure You Have Your Say And You Are Heard And Understood: It's very common to sort of choke back your feelings in the aftermath of the affair even to yourself. We sometimes go to such a dark place that we don't want to share this because deep down we feel ashamed. It is so important to remember that none of this is your fault. Despite what you did or you didn't do, despite the signs that were there which you may have missed, your spouse is the one who chose to deal with things by cheating rather than taking more positive avenues like counseling or working through things. The affair often has to do with their own insecurities and issues rather than yours. They're trying to make themselves feel whole and to fill a void that has very little to do with you. So, do not delay your healing by blaming yourself. The responsibility lies with the spouse who cheated.
Later, once the healing has begun, you can take a look in any role you may have had in creating vulnerabilities in the marriage and learn from them, but do not take any of the blame onto your own shoulders. And, make sure that your spouse knows exactly how you feel. Don't try to spare them more guilt or negative feelings or think that "they have been punished enough."
Now, I'm not at all saying that you should be spiteful or hateful or lash out in punishment repeatedly. Absolutely not. But, there is a way to make yourself heard in a respectful but firm way. Because if you don't feel heard and understood, you will always have that lingering resentment and doubt.
Make Sure That You Get What You Need From Your Spouse To Feel Secure And To Restore The Trust: If there is anything that can sabotage a marriage after an affair, it's when the trust can not be restored or when doubts remain. You must do some soul searching and define what you are going to need from your spouse. This may be a lot of reassurance, affection, time, and attention. Or, you may just want some time on your own to sort things out.
Most spouses will need a lot of accountability in the after math of an affair. You'll likely want access to records and on line interactions so that you know where he is, what he's doing, and if he's remaining trustworthy. Yes, your spouse may resent being on a short lease, but explain that you need this accountability for a while until the trust is restored. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you need. If you don't, again, the doubts are going to remain and intimacy can not be restored. Over time, you won't need these safeguards any more as you begin to learn that your spouse is an open book and is trustworthy. But, until that day comes, don't feel guilty about asking for this.
Focus On The Positive: This may seem like a tall order, but I see so many people make the mistake of thinking "well, maybe I can get our marriage back to where it was." But, when they say this, there is no light in their eyes and no excitement on their face. Their shoulders are slumped and you can just tell that they are beaten. You can do better than this. You must create a reality that you can get excited about and behind. You want to create a BETTER marriage, not one that is the same. You want to use this opportunity to grow, both individually and as part of the marriage (should you chose to save it.)
After a while following my husband's affair, I noticed that I wasn't really feeling whole. My husband was doing everything right and on the surface, it appeared that I was getting what I needed. Someone suggested to me that perhaps the delay was all mine. Perhaps there were some individual issues that I could also address and heal. This turned out to be the best advice I received.
I took a good long look at my life outside of my marriage. When I was honest, I was able to determine that I had self esteem issues that were there even before the affair happened. To live my best life and to have my best marriage, I needed to heal as an individual not just as a wife. So, I defined my own individual insecurities. I went back to school. I tweaked my appearance. I improved my communication and intimacy skills. And at the end of this, I was much more confident, outgoing, and receptive to being loved. I finally believed that I was lovable and that my husband was lucky to have me. This small shift made a huge difference in my marriage. We are now on equal ground and function as equal partners. And, this was as important to our marriage as getting past the affair.
I know that working through this and healing is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
