subject: Play It Straight – State Your Intentions [print this page] Play It Straight State Your Intentions Play It Straight State Your Intentions
Regardless of what kind of relationship you have, it is critically important to establish your personal relationship ground rules (also known as frame as in frame of reference) FROM DAY ONE. Now this is not some let's sit down and have a heart to heart discussion situation. Just make sure that your converstaions and your stories reflect what you are seeking in this partner.
For example: If you want to just have a friend with benefits, there is no reason you should lead your partner on by seeing them very frequently and being very cutesy together, holding hands in the street, and making yourself look like highly-whippable boyfriend material.
Your speech and actions should match. She will sincerely appreciate your honesty, even if your and her frames conflict. If you are going to have a polyamorous lifestyle, you need to establish that framework with each of your partners from the beginning.Let this short story serve as a clear example of what happens when you violate this rule
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Transitions your multiple partners from a soon to be girlfriend to an open long term relationship simply don't work and they hurt people. Sometimes the whole house of matches commits Japanese ritual suicide and combusts into a flaming ball of bullshit. You must be prepared for this. You must disengage yourself emotionally to some degree. You must keep your ego out of it. But even with all those taken care of, it still sucks.
Dishonest romance can do no good . I have had completely authentic and honest relationships with everyone from fu*k buddies to longer term girlfriends and they have been wonderful in every way. The dishonest relationships though,always take their toll on me. Sneaking around and deleting text messagesgetting a call saying "I know what's up" and having your mind run through a mental checklist of twenty possible things she could be talking about. It's annoying, it's immature and it's ridiculous. Not only is dishonesty cruel but it takes a HUGE MENTAL TOLL trying to keep all your stupid stories straight. DON'T DO IT!
I've been seeing a girl I met in the subway for about 4 months now. I'll call her Southie. I never labeled it, but our relationship has flowed into the "traditional girlfriend" area. I've loved it and I've loved her.
A few weeks ago, I met another girl, Manic, and she rocked my world open. It's been very whirlwind insane kind of fall in love fast romance and of course that's a different flavor of relationship that I enjoyed just as much. Each woman opened completely different sides of me and the two relationships seemed to compliment each other perfectly.
Then I screwed up. I didn't tell Southie about Manic until a few weeks into it. Up until this point I had been honest with any dates, hookups, etc. Although she certainly wasn't happy, honesty and openness are essential to maintaining a confident and clear authentic frame.
I can hear shrieks already saying "how can you just tell them about each other? They'll kill you and then each other!" Yeait beats being a liar. Trust me. Women love confidence and unwavering ability to stick to your chosen lifestyle path IF IT TRULY SUITS YOU. This is doubly true when sweaty awesome head-board busting sex is at stake.
Okay What's My Point?
I had an amazing night with Manic in which she got her first kiss, among other things. Tonight, it blew up in my face like a bomb-bag in the hands of a hyper-caffeinated five year old.
"Manic: If I follow my heart I will be a traitor to my family and my friends will ignore me". Talk about xenophobicanyway, I brushed it off and did damage. In the midst of this I received a text message from Southie. After I finished up cleaning the Manic mess, I looked to see "I don't want to see you again. Please don't contact me again." Awesome!
Now both of these situations ARE salvageable even as dire as they seem. I've been through this before but I had to ask myself why? Manic will certainly get attached in a way only a 22-year-old-virgin chinese girl living away from home can. Southie will give me wave after wave of drama until I either date her monogamously or she gets fed up and may go insane in the process. Just because I can salvage them,that doesn't mean I should.
Part of living authentically means letting people go for the best even if you can have a great time together in a relationships. It's about being honest with both yourself, your partner, and the future. If someone isn't cut out for the type of relationship your offering, don't pretend they are. Don't let them delude themselves into thinking they can either.
What is the solution in this case? If I had all the answers then this would be a much less interesting blog. Something has to give here though, and I'll be glad to update and break that down when it does. Southie certainly can't handle an open long term relationshipI doubt many traditional Chinese girls could (I think it has something to do with confucian values but that could be bullshit). I do think a relationship could work here because Southie has already proven herself to be high quality and Manic is simply a fling.
What are your thoughts? Do you agree with honest statements of intent? Does that give you free reign to act as you want? Let me know!
