subject: What Are The Odds That He Will Have Another Affair? [print this page] What Are The Odds That He Will Have Another Affair?
I often write about my story of how I was able to salvage my marriage, my self worth, (and my sanity) after my husband's affair. I sometimes receive emails asking for advice. Lately, I've been getting a lot of questions like "what are the odds that my husband will have another affair?," or "what are the chances that he's going to cheat on me again?," or "is the phrase once a cheater always a cheater' true?" The answerto these questions are going to very much depend onthe marriage and the husband involved. So,although it's very difficult forme to answer this for your individual situation, there are some indicatorsor signs thatwill suggest whetheryour husband will cheat again or not. I'll discussthem in the followingarticle.
Is This His First Affair?: Dr. Phil often says "the biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior," but I don't find that this is always the case with infidelity. Sometimes, once is all it takes for a husband to see just how destructive his actions were and how close he was to losing you. Statistics show us that well over 85% of husbands who cheat are deeply sorry and don't intend to cheat again. Whether their intentions become reality is going to depend on many things, including whether you've addressed and fixed the problems that lead to the cheating in the first place and whether you've eliminated the risk factors that were present before.
Husbandwho arerepeat cheatersare at a much higher risk of cheating again. There's obviously a reoccurring issue or pattern that is not being fixed, and this often has to do with your husband's shortcomings and issues not yours. Some people just have poor impulse control, are risk takers, or have to be participating in dangerous behavior to feel "alive." These are issues that you can't fix on your own. Your husband will have to work on himself outside of the marriage in order to move past this.
However, many men only cheat once because once they see how hurtful and dangerous this behavior was (and how unsatisfying it ultimately turned out to be in the end), they never want to repeat the fall out that stemmed from one bad decision.
Is He Accountable And Taking Responsibility For His Actions?: Husband who don't intend to cheat again make sure that they are now an open book to their wives. They take full responsibility for the affair and don't try to shift the blame to their wives not giving them enough attention or affection. They understand that even if this is the case, they were the one who made the decision to take the incorrect action of cheating. Men who want to save their marriages will turn over cell phone records, willingly check in with their wives regularly, and show themselves to be trustworthy over and over again. They are where they say they are going to be and you won't even catch them in "little white lies" because they have no reason to be deceptive.
If your husband hasn't reached this phase yet, that doesn't mean he won't. Often, husband's will try to downplay the affair and gloss over things because they feel that the less they talk about it, the quicker it will go away. Be honest with your husband about needing more to really heal.Make it very clear that the issue is not going to go away until you're satisfied with what you're getting from him.
Have You "Affair-Proofed" Your Marriage?: Many people misunderstand what "affair proofing your marriage" really means. Many people assume that this has everything to do with sex and intimacy. That is only part of the equation. For your marriage to really thrive and for you to be confident that your husband won't cheat again, there are some things that absolutely have to happen.
You will have to understand why the affair happened and really fix the issue. You will both need to be committed to improving your communication and intimacy so that any issues that crop up can be addressed in the appropriate ways. You will need to understand and ask for what you need to heal. If you need more affection and reassurance, you will need to ask for it and get it so that you don't have nagging doubts. Finally, you will both need to put up safe guards so that you both feel secure and trusting. If your husband is vulnerable on overnight business trips, when drinking, or with certain friends or coworkers, then these things will absolutely have to be removed. Because you won't ultimately feel comfortable and trusting if they aren't.
Are You Focusing On Creating Something Better?: I believe that the best way to ensure that your husband doesn't cheat again is to build a marriage that is so fulfilling and exciting that neither of you would want to jeopardize it or look elsewhere. Many people who go about saving their marriages after cheating will go into it with the goal of getting the marriage back to where it was. You're selling yourself short if you are doing this. What you want instead is to get the marriage even better. Because if both people are happy and fulfilled, then both are wanting to look forward and continue on rather than looking back or jeopardizing what is working so well.
I know that working through this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
