subject: What happens when you go for Marriage Counselling? [print this page] What happens when you go for Marriage Counselling?
Every timeyoung couples choose me for couples therapy they may be startled at the relatively short period of time we spend contemplating what went wrong within the relationship. Sure, I may ask each companion why they've chosen to do couples therapy and what they hope to get out of it, but unless there is an urgent need, I will not dissect and invest time in the negative features of their history together.
I personally use Imago Relationship Therapy when working with couples. Imago theory doesn't necessarily imagine that people do stuff during their relationships just to annoy their partner! We do things for a good reason. We are endeavoring to get our desires met. We often approach accomplishing this in wholly the wrong way because we're human so we are fallible.
Part of the therapeutic process invariably involves dialoging about how exactly we have been wounded by our companion. In Imago this is successfully done protectively and calmly. Couples dialogue is used during all processes in Imago Relationship Therapy. This involves checking out that your partneris ok to listen to what you have to say, then having precisely what you say mirrored, validated and empathised with by your significant other .
It sounds basic and yet it can be challenging to learn and is tremendous when mastered. It is also the subject of an entirely separate blog post.
90% of my marriage counselling sessions are spent with the couple dialoging with each other. The emphasis is on ownership of feelings and connection with your lover. Yelling at one another achieves nothing and merely reinforces detrimental patterns of behaviour so is discouraged - probably you have actually been doing that in your own home and look where it has got you.
Much time in Imago is invested understanding the way to do things in a different way. Imago instructs us to break free from the outdated habits and put new, more advantageous ones in their place. These new habits allow the relationship to develop, accentuate the constructive, eliminate the blame and replace it with integrity and closeness.
I'm not pretending that couples make it happen immediately. Many couples find couples therapy very difficult, and some come once or twice , realise the level of effort they will have to put into fixing their relationship and choose to separate. I feel unhappy when that happens, but at least they have made a choice that they have often been postponing for many months. The couples that hang in there and stick to it move through the uncomfortable period they encounter with couples dialogue then over time discover their relationships transforming to a totally new level. They begin to discover their companion as an ally, and they also "get" why they both do unhealthy stuff in their relationship. They discover ways to ask for what they really want in a healthy way and start to appreciate what their partner wants.
When you come see me for marriage therapy my goal is to do my very best to keep you with each other. Imago theory believes passionately in long-lasting relationships for all couples, straight or gay, married or cohabiting. Your lover will probably be the perfect fit, that's the reason why you have such an emotional association. Imago Relationship Therapy helps move those emotions further to theaffirmative.
