subject: How Four Little Steps Can Take You To Emotional Freedom: Forgive And Move Forward [print this page] Has anyone ever said to you, "Oh move on: forgive and forget" as though it were the easiest thing in the world to do? In fact, you have probably found yourself in situations where the offence was so horrible, you wonder how forgiveness is possible - or if it's even something the other party 'deserves".
I don't know if forgetting is possible - or even practical, for we need to remember our lessons. But I do know that forgiveness is one of the most liberating skills to develop. However, some of the ideas concerning forgiveness I seemed to absorb as a child, did not help me at all. I have tried to forgive but was often left feeling - well - underpowered. You see, I thought forgiveness was about 'not minding': about saying "it's OK" ,but I tell you, I did not feel OK about having my inheritance taken from me: or about being kept from being with my dying father . . . in common with most people, I've suffered a few major offences too.
BUT - when you consider that holding onto your rage, hurt, anger, embarrassment or fury is actually not 'doing' anything to the person who aggrieved you, and is likely to be causing you some kind of pain or energy loss, you may begin to wonder what to do instead?
Nelson Mandela said that:-
"Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that your enemy will die".
You probably know that being in touch with all your emotions -and your 'energy centres' is vital to well-being. I also learned from other teachers, that forgiveness is most powerful when we have gotten in touch and expressed the totality of our feelings to the person who we feel wronged us - providing we can do that without causing further harm. Bringing these two ideas together, I now use a four step approach that helps me to to reach forgiveness more easily, over time.
FOUR STEPS - A PRACTICE FOR FORGIVENESS.
1. Imagine you are talking to the individual who offended you and write down how you feel about what happened, just as if you could say it directly to them. Allow yourself to get right to the heart of all of your feelings, especially the more difficult ones.
2. Once you are sure you have expressed everything, move on in your 'letter' and make a statement about how you imagine they may have seen the situation. Put yourself in their place for a moment even if it's really hard to do!
3. Now go on to reflect and write about any friendship that may have existed between you, or on any positive aspects of your joint history and say 'thank you' specifically for those.
4. Simply send them your good wishes and if you can now also release them from being the focus of your anger, your resentment or rage, then let them know. If you can't, then just say that your wish and intention is to fully forgive them.
Keep the letter in a safe place and read it from time to time. Alternatively, burn it as soon as you like and repeat the process as often as you feel.
I prefer to burn the letters, but where I have had a lot of difficult feelings to come to terms with, I have kept them for a while first. After a few months, the 'sting' seems to disappear when reading them and that's when I know I have dissolved the situation. It's especially helpful where you have a conflict with someone who has passed on, or someone where it would be inappropriate or ill-advised to contact them.
Try it as an experiment and see what happens for you.
