subject: Counselors Recommendation: This One Thing Can Improve Your Relationship Almost Overnight! [print this page] Have you heard this? "Your partner should accept you for who you are. You should not have to change to be in a relationship."
Really? In my experience as a therapist, I think this is perhaps the single-most accepted misconception about having a satisfying relationship. You have to change because, as they say, "the road to success is always under construction" whether in relationships or career.
After all, change is part and parcel of life, always has been and always will be! Remember: The organisms most successful in surviving throughout evolution have been the most adaptable. However, change can be strenuous and that, perhaps, confirms the old principle of how different forms of life continue to thrive- "survival of the fittest."
However, you still do not want to totally betray who you are in order to keep a partner! You do want to be valued for who you are, as a person and, ideally, you want to find a partner who is capable of loving you "unconditionally."
After first meeting someone, unconditional acceptance may appear to be happening. It may "happen," for several weeks, six months or even for 12 months or even perhaps more.
However, after a longer period of time, quietly and insidiously, things gradually begin to metamorphisize. You know the signs.
Perhaps he begins to tune you out before you finish talking. Or, maybe your partner does not "get you" anymore, share your idiosyncratic perspectives or even enjoy that unique sense of humor of yours, as he had before.
Perhaps, you both start becoming annoyed at each other more quickly. You start hassling over almost everything, such as amount of time you may spend watching video games or who does or does not vacuum the living room.
Suddenly, you find yourselves arguing over almost everything, with close to nothing ever getting resolved. Does that sound familiar?
At this point, some people may decide the relationship is just not worth it and choose to leave. If this sounds like you, you may have thought, " I am who I am. If you really love me, you will take me as I am. I should not have to change myself to be loved by anyone!"
Well, before you decide to end the relationship, think more about what your possible changes would really be about. After all, not all changes are the same.
People can change the persons they are, or they can change how they respond to environmental or interpersonal stimuli. There is a huge difference between the two.
To be in an emotionally intimate relationship, partners have to adjust and adapt. They do not have to change who they are, but they may have to change how they respond to certain triggers and external stimuli.
Of course, you should not change wholesale "who you are." For example, you should not have to undergo plastic surgery to have the "perfect look" that your partner may demand.
Some things are non-negotiable. You should not have to quit smoking, lose weight, change your friends or change your religious beliefs because you are in a relationship.
On the other hand, if you truly love and respect your partner, you may need to think your situation through more deeply. For example, do you and your partner enjoy passing the time in each others company?
Do you want a long-term, intimate relationship? If so, choosing to change the way you respond to certain triggers could be the key.
Professional therapists always advise an open mind and the cultivation of a mindset that strives to appreciate the perspective of ones partner. This must be joined by a willingness to assess what you might change in order to make the relationship more rewarding.
Modifying how you respond to the triggers your partner may inadvertently present can make a huge difference. After all, some modifications such as, being less irritable day-to-day, taking a time-out before you lose your temper and praising your partner for putting the dishes in the dishwasher can improve the quality of your relationship without you having to change "who" you really are.
