subject: Forgiving Your Spouse's Affair? Here's Some Tips That Might Help With Forgiveness Following The Affair [print this page] Forgiving Your Spouse's Affair? Here's Some Tips That Might Help With Forgiveness Following The Affair
I often share my story which includes eventually forgiving my husband's affair and choosing to save my marriage. I often get emails where people ask me how I found the strength, the willingness, the patience, and the skills to forgive my husband.
The truth is, there is nothing special about me. I struggled long and hard, just like every one else. I had some very bad days and I often would take one step forward and several steps back. There were times when my husband never knewwho he would interact with that day, as my moods (and my receptiveness to him and our marriage) would swing wildly. But, there were several things that eventually turned things around for me, which I will outline in this article, in the hopes that something here will strike a cord and will help.
My Husband Eventually Took Responsibility For The Affair: When I first caught my husband, he offered up all sorts of excuses and justifications. He was under a lot of stress. He wasn't feeling particularly appreciated. The affair (and the woman) meant nothing to him, etc. My anger and resentment at thiscontinued to builduntil one day Ifelt compelledto tellmy husband that if I was ever going to begin healing, he would have to take full responsibility for his own choice. Yes, there were places where I left our marriage very vulnerable. I would concede to that, but there were many other options available. He could've talked with me about his concerns, asked for more attention, or told me that he was struggling. He did none of these things. And, until he was willing to own up to this and take the responsibility onto his own shoulders, I was going to remain resentful.
Granted, it took me way too long to ask for this. If this is an issue for you, speak up. Make it very clear that you need for him to take responsibility to facilitate your healing. Now, you can't use this as a crutch. You can't continue to punish him into infinity. But, it's OK to ask for him to take responsibility and to feel and share his remorse with you so that you know he fully understands the fall out of his actions and that he won't repeat them.
My Husband Was Eventually Accountable And Reassuring: I felt guilty about this, but in the months following the affair, I wanted (and needed) to know where my husband was at all times. I know that this may seem petty, but knowing where he was and who he was with was necessary for me to feel secure. At first, he resented this. He would say things like: "are you ever going to trust me?;" "how long do I have to do this?;" and"do you want to put a tracking device on my car?" etc.
One day I simply responded that this was going to go on for as long as I needed it to and that if he really wanted to "make things right,"he would just humor me and keep on giving me what I needed. I reassured him that I didn't intend to keep this up forever, but that, as I was trying to move forward, I needing this reassurance. I also was honest in telling him that I didn't feel attractive or desirable to him anymore and that I needed for him to be generous with the affection and the compliments. This felt odd and I resented having to tell him this, but it was ultimately the only way to ensure that I got what I needed.
Eventually, the day came when I no longer needed this, but at the time, it was absolutely necessary because it helped to silence those nasty little worries and doubts that tended to crop up constantly in my mind.
We Focused On Creating A New Reality: In the grand scheme of things, I don't think that it was counseling that saved our marriage, but I did have one counselortell me something that really stuck with me. She said that in order for our marriage to not only survive but to thrive after the affair, that I would have to create something new which I could really get excited about something that I wouldn't mind putting so much effort into.
I find that often people make the mistake of trying to restore things to the way they were. The truth is that if things were so great before, the affair never would've happened. So, it's much better to focus on building something new and better. You want to create exciting new memories. You want to travel outside of your comfort zone and explore new things and have new experiences together. What you're trying to create is a whole new set of memories and shared experiences that help keep you looking forward with anticipation rather than constantly looking back with dread.
I Focused On Flaws Within Myself That Had Nothing (But Everything) To Do With The Affair: In the aftermath of the cheating, many insecurities began to rear their ugly head. My self esteem took a huge hit and I was constantly doubtful, depressed, and filled with fear. It wasn't until I had some distance that I realized that I had some self esteem issues before the affair, but that the affair certainly magnified them greatly. Still, in order to really move forward and believe that I was worthy and desirable, I had some work to do.
I went back to school, focused on my appearance, took up much healthier habits, and focused on rebuilding my self esteem. I believe that all women have underlying issues that are magnified with an affair. You will need to address these because if you don't, you're always going to have those nagging doubts that ensure that you don't really move forward and reach your full potential. You need to know, without a doubt, that you are worthy, desirable, valuable, and loved, no matter what choices someone besides yourself chose to make.
Although it was sometimes difficult, I'm glad I did the hard work necessary to make my marriage work. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
