subject: My Husband Had An Affair. What Do I Do? Insights That Might Help [print this page] My Husband Had An AffairMy Husband Had An Affair. What Do I Do? Insights That Might Help
A cheating spouse is one of the most difficult challenges a marriage can face. A cheating husband is often one of the worst betrayals imaginable to a woman. In the days and weeks followingfinding out about the cheating, emotions run high and determining how to best deal with this situation can be a heart breaking challenge.
I often getemails from women with comments like: "my husband had an affair.I don't know what to do now or how to handle this. I want to take action, butI keep changing my mind on what I want to do."The suggestions that I givewill depend upon the state of your marriage before and after the affair, but there are some tips that I offer almost every one no matter how or why the affair happened and no matter whether you ultimately want to save the marriage of not. I'll outline them below.
Understand That You Don't Have To (And Shouldn't) Make Rash Decisions: Believe me when I say that I understand how you are feeling right now. I've been in this situation myself (and have come out fine on the other side.) I had many challenges along the way and I know how immediate everything feels. The pain is often so intense that you want a very quick or immediate resolution so that you can start healing. The truth is, though, that healing just takes time. Even if you make a sincere and conscious decision to forgive or to walk away, there are still going to be issues that need to be addressed and dealt with over time.
And, overwhelmingly, rash and dramatic choices are often regretted. The scene outside of the husband's office usually doesn't make you feel any better at all, and now you have more drama on your hands to deal with. Cheating to "get back at him" will almost always turn out badly. I am not saying that your husband should not answer for his actions. He absolutely should. But, don't allow the high emotions that you feel right now to make you react ina way that is going to have lasting consequences. I made the mistake of telling my husband's family and friends about his actions and this was a mistake that I can never take back which I deeply regret. Try very hard to take a deep breath or pause before you do anything that you may later regret.
And, even if you have already acted in haste, always know that you can chose to reign yourself in the next time. Every action is a choice. Granted, things are very difficult right now and you certainly deserve a lot of leeway. But, use caution not to engage in behaviors that are going to cause you more pain and confusion.
You Must Express And Release Your Feelings: We women are often so quick to take on any residual blame and guilt onto our on shoulders. If only we hadn't let ourselves go. If only we had paid more attention to intimacy. If only we had seen the signs. Please don't fixate on these things. Understand that the truth is that the affair was your husband's decision. No matter what drove this decision, he could've handled it in another, more appropriate way. He could approached you and requested more intimacy or attention. He could have asked for counseling or any number of different things. So, place where the blame where it lays with him.
With that said, you must release what you are feeling. If you just bury these feelings and try to move on before you are ready (whether you save the marriage or not), the resentment and doubt is going to eat you alive. For me, journaling was the best choice. Most of my husband's and my friends were mutual, so I had limited objective outlets but my journal never judged or grew impatient with me. If you have friends who are impartial, supportive, and willing to lend an ear, by all means feel free to unburden yourself.
Additionally, you must allow your husband to know exactly how you feel. So many women want to skip this step because they think that going to this deep, dark place will make a bad situation worse. But, go there you must when you are ready. You can't have these ugly, unsaid things between you if you are truly going to heal (whether you want to stay married or not.) Unresolved business is not good for anyone, and you can make yourself heard in whatever positive way works for you you can even write a letter if you find it difficult to say the words.
You Must Resolve The Why To Your Own Satisfaction: Whether you save the marriage or not, you must understand why the affair happened. Sometimes, the answer is not really all that satisfying. Many men have affairs because of some flaw or shortcoming with in themselves. They are aging, becoming insecure, and begin to get bored with their own life because of their own lack of creativity. An affair is a way to restore what theythink time has stolen from them. This often has very little to do with you, but it's still important to understand it so that you don't blame yourself or take on insecurities from this experience.
And, if there were vulnerabilities in your marriage (and you want to save it) you'll need to address and fix any issues so that you aren't always worrying that he's going to cheat again. So many marriages that actually could be saved are destroyed because real, deep down trust can not be restored and self doubt remains.
I know that these things can be difficult to address, but they are important. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
