subject: Working It Out After An Emotional Cheating Or An Emotional Affair [print this page] Working It Out After An Emotional Cheating Or An Emotional Affair
I know many people (some of them are even counselors) who insist that an affair is an affair and that the particulars to it do not really matter. In others words, it's irrelevant whether the affair was physical, emotional, or even an online affair. People who have personally experienced any of these types of cheating though, know first hand that this just isn't true. No matter how you define it, an affair is a huge, painful betrayal just the same. And, women often tell me that an emotional affair hurts more deeply than a physical one, because in our society, it is easier to justify a man's physical need more thanhis emotional one.
But you may be surprised to know that, statistically speaking, men are overwhelmingly more likely to cheat for emotional rather than physical reasons. Often, they are trying to work out self esteem or self worth issues or to fill some empty void within themselves. So, in this article, I will discuss how to work things out in your marriage (should you chose to) after an emotional affair.
Understand That Men Often Don't See An Emotional Affair As Cheating: Often women contact me and say things like "my husband insists that this is no big deal because nothing technically happened," or "he thinks because they didn't have sex, he really didn't do anything wrong and wonders why I am so hurt and angry." It's very common for men to sort of draw a line in the sand and think that because there was nophysical contactinvolved, they are off the hook. You need to calmly explain to him why this isn't the case.
When neither of you are rushed or angry, explain to him that it hurts you deeply that he would confide in and become emotionally involved with someone other than you. Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. How would he feel if you chose another man for emotional connection or validation? Tell him that, whether he agrees with the semantics or not, you arein pain and want him to acknowledgeand takesome responsibility for his part in this. It's important that you do not come off as condescending, judgmental,or punishing.
Although you have every right to feel this way,this will often push your husband further away or encourage him to argue his point with even more stubbornness and this will ultimately keep you from getting what you want or need. It's better to approach this from a place of wanting to involve him your understanding this, dealing with it, and ultimately healing.
Understand That, When You Are Ready, You Will Need To Rebuild and Repair The Emotional Closeness And Connection: Obviously, if you are going to work things out, you will need to address and fully understand why your husband sought an emotional connection with someone else. There are often many reasons for this, but I can tell you how commonly men tell me that they don't want to show any weakness or emotional vulnerability to their wives or their guy friends and so often they will substitute a woman from work or somewhere else for this job.
Think about it. Men are often not really emotionally supportive friends to one another. Whereas we women can often unload and then get support from our girlfriends, men tend to bypass discussions which involve feelings or support and focus instead on shared, more superficial experiences. And often, men are embarrassed or resistant to showing any of these vulnerabilities or need from support from their wives. This is incorrect and destructive thinking, but this is the thought process that they share with me.
I am not telling you this to defend your husband in any way. I just want you to understand what many of them tell me led up to the emotional affair. They often feel that their emotional partner in crime understands them and allows them an outlet thatis safe and non judgmental without any lasting repercussions.It's important to understand this, because if you want to work things out in your marriage, you'll need for your husband to fully understand that he can (and that he must) see only you as this person for him.
So, you have to create the marriage in which he feels that he can do this. This takes time, effort, honest communication, and for you to eventually allow yourself to be vulnerable and to trust and open yourself up to him again.
Restoring The Trust And Creating Safeguards: In order for you to be able to save the marriage, you will eventually need to be able to go "all in" with your whole and open heart. This will require restored trust and intimacy. You need to be very honest with your husband about what you need from him to feel secure. This may mean giving you cell phone or email passwords and access. This may mean that the two of you set apart time together every day to discuss what's on your minds and receive support. This may mean (if the other woman is at his job) changing positions or jobs.
Some women are afraid to ask for what they need or want. They feel like the affair has left their marriages vulnerable enough and they don't want to add more burdens to it. But, if you are left with nagging doubts or unresolved feelings, these things are going to be saboteurs that will really never allow you to be free from nagging doubt. To really heal, you need to know that both you, and your husband, arenow honest and forthcoming, holding nothing back.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
