subject: Easy Action Steps To Help You Solve Your Marriage Problmes [print this page] How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to get rid of your marriage problems and find the results and solutions you want, Pt. 5 - Developing a Strong & Secure Sense of Self, Pt. 4: Why criticism, your partner's mood, and distress have the affect they have on you and action steps you can take which will help you to resolve your marital problems by developing a secure sense of self.
OK, so this is the part (I hope) you've been holding out for. I know the first three parts may have been discouraging, although I hope you were encouraged my reading my own experience with distress. The reason a weak sense of self is so badly shaken by your partner's criticism, mood, & distress is because of the fear of abandonment, rejection, & loss of relationship.
Remember, this is mostly an unconscious process meaning you may not feel consciously threatened, abandoned or rejected when there's criticism or distress in the relationship, or as a result of your partner's mood. And remember, this also goes back to your original relationship history with your parents, and the earliest part of it - your first relationship experiences - when you were an infant. Also remember what we talked about in an earlier part of this overall series in regard to the resolution of childhood hurts, deprivations, trauma & wounding:
As an infant you were totally dependent on your caregivers for your every need, & if they didn't meet your needs you would in fact die. You couldn't feed yourself, you couldn't protect yourself, you couldn't care for yourself at all. Imagine if you were left outside as a infant and it was cold...would you simply put on some warmer clothes as you would now? No, you'd either freeze to death or develop hypothermia. What if it was hot outside and you were sitting in the car with the windows rolled up...would you simply turn on the A/C or roll down the window as you would now as an adult? Nope, you'd experience heat stroke, heat exhaustion, or death. What if you were hungry...would you just go into the kitchen and make some food or go out to eat? Again, no, you'd starve!
And remember, the unconscious never "grows up". It's stuck in infancy, in a sense, meaning it is unable to differentiate between the past and present because your unconscious has no sense of time. So even though it may seem silly or ridiculous to think the fears from infancy could plague you now, in a deep, unconscious, and primal way they in fact do still affect you.
What this means to you is when you have a weak sense of self you feel insecure when you experience criticism, distress, or anxiety regarding your partner's mood. And you feel insecure because you're unable to defend yourself from the transference (remember, transference is when your needs and emotional past are triggered and show up in the present) and therefore you experience fear and anxiety (at the least) or are terrified by the (very real to your unconscious) possibility of abandonment, rejection & loss of relationship because any of these represent death (again, in your unconscious experience of relationship).
This will show up in numerous ways in your marriage: Constant arguments, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, defensiveness, listening defensively, trying to "win" an argument, blaming, denial of responsibility (or taking anything less than 100% of responsibility for yourself, choices, words, & actions), passive-aggressiveness, inability to truly resolve an argument, looking for an "out", seeking false comfort, avoiding yourself or your partner or kids, becoming consumed with work, obsessive exercise or dieting, overspending, gambling, compulsive or habitual drinking or substance use, emotional or physical affair, enmeshment with children, using your kids against each other, risky behaviors, and so on.
Until you strengthen your sense of self, or your spouse does so, these dangers and pitfalls will continue. This means arguments will continue to go unresolved, you will constantly feel pulled based on your spouse's mood or reaction, you will not be congruent (fully expressing your true thoughts, feelings, experience), arguments will increase; and, you will perpetually be out of arms reach of the love, safety, acceptance, peace, happiness, passion, fulfillment, & joy you really want.
Ready for some action steps in order to strengthen up your sense of self (or to help your partner to do so)? I thought you would be! OK, here we go (keep in mind, this list is NOT exhaustive).
1. Journal: If you struggle with being congruent (and if you or your spouse has a weak sense of self you do) journaling will be a crucial step in helping you to become more congruent, within yourself at least. Further, you most likely have difficulty even identifying your feelings (apart from anger or one of its derivatives). As you journal this exercise will help you to figure out what it is you're actually feeling. You'll also want to spend time exploring your thoughts as well as you journal & testing them to make sure they're in alignment with reality. Journaling will also help you to validate your own feelings and experience in the world and your relationship because most likely your partner isn't either being given the chance to do this or is simply not doing so when given the opportunity. Journaling will be a great beginning step to help you speak and find your 'voice' as well as advocating for yourself.
2. Practice comfort: I'm going to get into this crucial skill in depth in three upcoming articles so I won't say much here except as you and your spouse practice comforting one another both of your sense of self will be strengthened, taking you closer to where you want to be. You'll argue less, begin resolving conflict, learn to listen non-defensively, and will begin to experience more of the passion, happiness, fulfillment, security, peace, & love you both want.
3. Get hooked up with a coach who will help you identify and articulate your heart and soul. What I mean by "heart and soul" will make more sense in the upcoming comfort article series, so watch for it. Basically, you'd be smart and well-served to find a coach who can help you draw out your thoughts, feelings, & experience in a way so you can make sense of it, understand it & be able to move forward successfully. You're looking for someone like me who can help you by asking you good, insightful, questions, & who will validate your feelings & experience. Getting connected with the right coach will also give you an ability to begin learning the right way to advocate for yourself (without minimizing someone else or being selfish or rude). Most importantly, the right coach will be able to model for you and with you what a successful relationship looks like. And as you begin to internalize that model by more interactions with your coach you'll begin to be able to incorporate the same model with your spouse, and simply follow the model to the success you want. Having a coach who is the right fit for you will also help fill you up with the love, acceptance, encouragement, and security you want so you can go back into your marriage filled up and able to give more without needing something in return. It certainly is hard to give someone something when you're already empty, isn't it?
4. Find safe friends with whom you can begin practicing being more congruent. These are people who will love & accept you for who you are and with whom you aren't afraid will leave you. More on this in a near future article within this series as well.
5. Begin finding and exploring healthy and effective ways to get your needs met. This goes back to the series we talked about on need fulfillment (check it out again if you think it would benefit you to get reminded).
6. Pick one or two strategies to take action on first. Become more proficient with each strategy until you reach the phase of mastery before attempting to take on a new strategy. Otherwise you'll feel overwhelmed and will become more likely to experience frustration and ultimately failure...which will trigger despair.
P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! Either leave a comment or email me at brian@RealMarriageSolutions.com. If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"
