subject: How Can I Fix My Marriage If I Cheated? [print this page] How Can I Fix My Marriage If I Cheated? How Can I Fix My Marriage If I Cheated?
Most often, I hear from the spouse who has been cheated on. But sometimes, I hear from the spouse who has cheated. Since my perspective lies with the cheated on, the folks who cheated often want my perspective as to how they can fix this and make it right. Many are genuinely sorry and tell me that they would do "absolutely anything" in order for their spouse to give them another chance so that they won't lose their family. But, they are often running into a lot of resistance because, quite understandably, their spouse is deeply hurt, resentful, and can't imagine being able to trust again.
Still, very few are willing to give up. They know that they might have a long and difficult road to get back into their spouse's good graces, but they are often willing to do whatever it takes because they know that they are the one who made the mistake. In short, they are more than willing to do whatever is going to fix this, but they don't know what that needs to be. They often ask for my advice on how to best go about repairing this damage. So, in the following article, I'll offer some tips and advice that will hopefully help you to begin to clean up this unfortunate mess.
Start With Yourself: Before you even seriously approach your spouse and ask them to give even a little, you really will have to take a long hard look at yourself. There are some things that you are going to need to work out before you even ask them to hear you out. You need to make sure that any trust that you are able to gain back is not misplaced.
Before you even ask them to be open to what you have to say, you must be absolutely sure that you are clear that they are who and what you want. If there are any doubts about this, it's best to explore this some more. Basically, you usually only get one chance at this. So before you even ask, make sure that you will be able to back up your claims.
This means that you must be completely finished with the person that you cheated with and there is no chance whatsoever that they will resurface in your life. Also, you must work out whatever issues, insecurities, or lack of impulse control led you to make a mistake of this magnitude. If you aren't able to work this out, you run the risk of making the same mistake twice and your marriage might not survive this more than once.
Understand The Reassurances That Your Spouse Really Wants To Hear: In order to fix your marriage after you cheated, you need to very much understand your spouse's point of view and how they likely feel right now. They are reeling because everything that they believed in and thought they knew is now in question. It's likely that they are questioning their attractiveness and perceptions.
Here is what are likely their biggest worries right now. They are worried about their ability to trust in the future. They worry that you desire the other person more than them. They worry that they are no longer attractive and desirable to you. And, they worry that you are going to continue to lie to them. I speak from experience here when I guess that their biggest worry is making the mistake of trusting you again only to have you betray them yet again. They are wondering what is real and what is not. They are afraid of feeling this kind of pain again and therefore they are afraid of misplaced risk.
Although you may feel vulnerable and awkward, you must allow yourself to offer them the reassurances that they really want the most. You need to make sure that if you still love them, still find them attractive, are completely committed to your marriage, and are willing to do whatever you need to do, that you tell this to them on a regular basis even if they seem to doubt it or do not want to hear it.
Know That It's Your Actions And Not Your Words That Matter And Know That You Might Need To Continue On For A While: The truth is, you can say all you want and make every declaration under the sun, but the reality of the situation is that your spouse knows that they are just going to have to wait and see. And, this might take a while. They may take a few steps forward and then more steps back.
It's perfectly natural for them to continue to have doubts and worries. So, you are going to have to be patient and this might go on for a while. It often is going to be your actions over time that is going to show them that you actually are sincere in your commitment and that you are not going anywhere because with them is where you want to be. This might not be fun for you. It might be your reality that you're going to have to check in and offer reassurances more than you thought that you might.
But you have to understand where their doubts and fears are coming from. The pain of knowing that your spouse cheated on you is like no other. They will need your patience and reassurance for a while to come. You both might need some additional help. It really is your job to see that they have what they need to heal. This will usually turn out to be in your best interest also. Because when you can uncover what caused this and fix it while also helping your spouse to heal, you will often find that you have a different, and sometimes better, marriage than you started with.
My husband never said any particular words that made me believe he was sorry. But over time, his actions did. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
