subject: My Wife Wants A Divorce - Agree To Agree [print this page] My Wife Wants A Divorce - Agree To Agree My Wife Wants A Divorce - Agree To Agree
Once upon a time, you and your wife had a happy, and seemingly promising relationship. Everything was great! It was so great, in fact, that the two of you decided to take the ultimate next step, and get married. At the time, neither of you could see yourselves with anyone else, let alone foresee the two of you having any real disagreements. However, as time passed, your marriage had lost some of its original spice. Something happened, and now your wife wants a divorce.
You're not alone. Statistically speaking, more than 1 in 2 marriages in the United States ends in divorce. Not only is that information discouraging to anyone thinking about getting married, for those that are living within a marriage that is currently troubled, it is downright depressing. With such discouraging statistics in mind, is there even a point in trying to save your marriage? Could anything really be done to turn back the clock, so to speak, and bring back the happiness and romance that once thrived between your wife and yourself?
Regardless of the bleak statistics, many marriages can be saved. There are things that can be done to salvage the dwindling feelings of love that you and your wife still share. Yes, your wife still loves you, and since you're reading up on the subject, it's quite safe to say that you're still in love with your her as well. In fact, the lack of love in your marriage isn't the actual problem. Certainly, if your wife no longer shows the same level of affection that she once did, it may seem like she does not love you any more. However, there's more to it than that.
If your marriage has reached the point where your wife is talking about separation or divorce, while counseling would be beneficial, it may be difficult for you to convince her to go along with the idea. Instead, the first thing you need to do is agree with the divorce in order to have any chance of avoiding it. That sounds confusing right now, but we'll get to more on that shortly.
First, let's say your wife has already approached you with the idea of getting a divorce. Your reaction, if you want the marriage to work, is to try and convince her that the two of you belong together; that the two of you can work it out. And, it's only natural that you use this approach, because it makes perfect sense to you at the time. You want to her to stay, so you try to talk her into staying.
However, your wife has reached a decision (or so she has said), and trying to convince her to change her mind only provokes her to defend her original thinking that a divorce is what she really wants. You, in effect, reinforce your wife's desire to leave. Though it may seem to you like you're just trying to work things out, what you're really doing is disagreeing with the decision that you wife has already made. And, any time you disagree with anyone, you provoke a defensive response from them. Your wife is then compelled to defend her way of thinking, leading the two of you into yet another argument.
Instead, what you should do is agree with the divorce. I know. You're thinking, "but I don't want to get a divorce." I understand. However, the point here is that you will now be agreeing with her decision. That's all. And, you'll find that her response is completely different and no longer of a defensive nature. There's no argument and no pleading.
You see, any time you disagree with your wife, nag, beg, or chase after her, she'll only pull away more and more. But, once you are agreeing with her and you are no longer chasing after your wife, you are now pulling her back towards you. Try to think of it as a balancing act, much like a scale. If you do all of the chasing, the scale leans towards pushing her away. But, stop chasing, and you begin to lean the scale towards pulling her back.
Well, what if she doesn't say anything in response to you agreeing to the divorce and only turns and walks away? That's fine. If she does, you don't chase after her. Simply let her go, for now. In fact, if she talked about moving out, then in an agreeable, calm way, offer to help her with the move.
Now, your wife no longer has to defend her decision. The "ball is in her court," so the next move is up to her. However, by agreeing with her, you are no longer pushing her away. You are no longer reinforcing her "decision." You are now giving her the chance to decide without any influence from you whether or not she truly wants a divorce or wants to work it out and stay. And, if her decision to file for divorce wasn't truly final, and more than likely it wasn't, you've given yourself a chance to save your marriage.
