subject: Confronting The Other Woman When You Want To Save Your Marriage [print this page] Confronting The Other Woman When You Want To Save Your Marriage
I get so many emails from women who want to confront or question their husband's mistress. They are so angry with this woman that they want to tell her exactly how they feel about her and tell her to leave their family alone. Plus, many are very curious about this woman and want to know exactly what kind of reaction or reasoning that she is going to give. You often want to look her right in the eye and to let her know that you know all about her (even if you are hoping to learn more.)
Many women ask me what is the best way to go about doing this. The answer to that depends on what your objectives are moving forward. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Confronting TheOther WomanIf You're Wanting To Save Your Marriage: First up, I'm going to discuss the scenario that happens when you're still invested in your marriage. In this instance, believe it or not, I truly do recommend using some restraint. I can't tell you how many women email me back and tell me that the meeting with the mistress made things much worse instead of better.
Usually, the wives in this situation are looking for some closure and for the ability to get how they feel off of their chest. They think that this is going to provide some relief. Usually though, the actual confrontation does not work out in the way that they had hoped. The mistress often says something hurtful or tries to paint it as though the husband was the pursuer all along. She will also sometimes tell you things that are only meant to hurt you, or she will insinuate that the relationship isn't over or that she and your husband have some deep meaningful secrets or connections.
In short, many women walk away from this confrontation feeling even more insecure and unsure of themselves, their husbands, and their marriages. In order for this confrontation to go the way that you hoped, this woman will need to be receptive, honest, caring, and cooperative. Unfortunately, her behavior and her actions have not shown these behaviors. In fact, they have shown just the opposite. So the likelihood that's she's going to do an about face right now is not all that high.
Many times, you will walk away worse off than when you began this process. Often, the mistress will feel like hurting you yet again is another point for her. Think for a second about what would hurt this woman the most. Honestly, what she fears the most if that you and your husband move forward without giving her a second thought. By chasing her, you're giving her more power over you than she deserves. It will hurt your more if you just brush her off like the insignificant person that she should be in your life. Once you give her an "in," you may well regret it. There's no way to take it back once this is done.
Confronting The Mistress If You Feel That She And Your Husband Deserve Each Other: Sometimes, the wife has decided to bow out and feels like she wants to leave the marriage. She feels that the husband and his mistress can run off into the sunset and live happily ever after for all she cares. In this instance, she just wants to give them a peace of her mind and move on. I do understand this, but I can't tell you how often I hear of this going wrong also.
Usually, the other woman will not allow you the last word and will continue to engage with you. She will usually say hurtful things like if you had taken care of your husband, you would not be dealing with this situation. In short, she's likely to make you even more angry and upset. This is why I advocate writing a letter or email so that you can say what you need to say uninterrupted and then blocking her from responding to ensure that you have the last word.
Many women really do want to look this woman in the eye and I can understand this. In this instance, I would highly advocate saying what you need to say and then removing yourself from the situation. Usually nothing can be gained by engaging with her and exchanging insults.
Always Put Yourself In Situations That Are Going To Help With Your Healing: Ultimately, you likely want to confront your husband's mistress because you want to do something that helps you to feel better. Standing eye to eye with your husband's mistress is one of those things that is not likely to accomplish this. It's very important that you safeguard your well being right now. It should be all about you. Not about her. Don't allow her to continue to have a place in your life. Often, healing really can not happen until you can banish her out of your life for good. So don't give her a foot hold into a place where you really do not want for her to be.
I know that even thinking about the other woman is so difficult. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
