subject: Are You Afraid of Hurting People's Feelings? - The Little Prince Series [print this page] Are You Afraid of Hurting People's Feelings? - The Little Prince Series
Daily Insight from the Story ofThe Little Prince
There is a much-watched British soap called EastEnders that's been running for about a quarter of a century, some two hours a week, reflecting working class life in the East End of London.
If a single motif stands out in my mind for this show it's that people make a hash of their lives in large measure because they are forever trying to protect either themselves or someone else from the truth.
It's pretty reflective of everyday life for countless people in the real worldvery likely your life at some level.
How much is going on inside you that you don't share with your wife or husband, for example?
Or take the opinions you and perhaps other staff at work have of your supervisor. You may talk among yourselves about what you are feeling but not with the supervisor.
You'll notice I didn't use the word "boss," a word that should be struck from the conscious person's language in my judgment since onlywe are in charge of our life and it's our free choice to work under the direction of a supervisor.
All of this is part of definining ourselves with others, which requires the skill of differentiationa skill sadly lacking in so many lives.
One reason people aren't honest with each other is that they don't want to hurt someone or offend them. Of course, we do hurt and offend people all the time regardless, and we are certainly hurting them in the longrun when we aren't authentic with them.
Countless people mollycoddle their husband, wife, partner, parents, children, or friends. They just aren't real with them, all in the name of "protecting" them.
The image of flowers with thorns in the story of the Little Prince points up the importance of beingreal with those we are close to in everyday life.
Thorns prick us and hurt. What gets pricked by authenticity isn't a person's true self, however, but their false egoic self.
It's not that we set out with the intention of puncturing people's egos. On the contrary, there's a place for tact. We don't have to tell someone their new hairdo is hideous, even if we think it is, since how a person fixes their hair or dresses is a matter of personal taste, not of false self versus true self.
If someone genuinely wants our opinion, we can tactfully state that it wouldn't be our preference and, if invited, explain why. This is an educative approach and nothing to do with the ego.
But there are times when what's really going on inside us is quite the opposite of what we are portraying externally, which serves no good other than to mislead.
This is where authenticity is called forauthenticity that is doled outkindly, however, not with theintention of hurting.
This is the point of differentiation: to be able to be close to someone emotionally and still be true to ourselves.
It's not about making the other person true to themselves, which isn't our job. It's about showing up for whowe are, but in a way that invites authentic connection with the other person and doesn't simply discard them.
The Little Prince draws our attention to the question of why a flower would havethorns. Flowers in essence are soft, gentle, beautiful, and therefore invitinga picture of the attractive person each of us truly is beneath our facade. Our innate attractiveness is very different from the painful prick of thorns.
So why the thorns? Well, the thorns aren't used toattack, but to set boundaries thatpreserve the flower's beauty.
With us, our "thorns" are about beingpresent, which is powerful because it means we are "showing up" in our life, and thereby preserving our unique identity when others might seek to change us and in so doing rob us of what makes us uniquely attractive.
Try being real with those you are close to, but in aconnected waynot in a manner intended to drive them away, shut them out, alienate them.
At all times we seek to beloving as we differentiate ourselves, wanting toconnect as we do so instead of to push someone away.
Though when I saying "loving," I don't mean we never show strong emotion that might prick the other's ego, a topic we'll take up tomorrow.
