subject: Should You Stay Married When One Spouse Cheats? [print this page] Should You Stay Married When One Spouse Cheats?
I often hear from spouses who are just about ready to give up on their marriage as the result of infidelity. Many people just can not believe that this is something that they, and their marriage, are ever going to be able to recover from.
Every minute of every day, they feel betrayed and there is always something there to remind them and to continue to cause them pain. Some will try their best to soldier on but then will begin to become quite frustrated that they are still angry and still resentful. They will wonder how long recovery from the infidelity is going to take or if it is ever going to happen at all. This is usually about the time when folks will begin to think that moving on is just impossible and will begin to ask questions like "should we even try to stay married when I just cannot get over this infidelity?" I will discuss this more in the following article.
Don't Ask Whether You Should Stay Married Or Not Too Soon In The Process: Sometimes, I think that people ask this question before they have had a chance to process all of the different variables and have also had a chance to evaluate any efforts of rehabilitation and healing. I can tell you from experience that how you feel in the initial days and weeks after learning of the infidelity might be very different from how you feel after a year of healing. Sometimes, it is just too soon to tell what the outcome is going to be until you give the process both time, patience, and effort.
Evaluate The Totality Of The Marriage, Not Just This One Event: It might not seem like it right now, but it is possible to recover from this. Marriages make it through this every day. Some even emerge better and stronger when you are able to work through the problems and to safeguard yourself from their return. So, knowing that it is possible to fix this, you will often have to evaluate how good of a marriage or a spouse you had before the affair.
Sometimes, you will discover that your shock and hurt is due to the fact that you never saw this coming because you were genuinely happy and very close to and connected to your spouse. You likely never thought that this was possible because you know that your spouse loved you and was committed to your marriage.
Other times, you will have to admit that this infidelity is just one more thing to add to a long line of betrayals, inequality, and deceptions. I certainly can't tell you what to do in which situation, but I will say that it's my opinion that although both of these situations can be overcome, a healthy marriage prior to the infidelity is going to be the easier marriage to rehabilitate and has the greatest chance of success. That's not to say that any marriage is hopeless. But the longer the line of unhappiness and deception, the more work that must be done.
Deciding What Kind Of Infidelity And Spouse You Are Dealing With: Sometimes, you are dealing with a person who made a one time mistake for which they are deeply and eternally sorry. These are the folks who will do whatever they have to do to express to you how sorry they are, will be patient as you are working through this, and will obtain whatever help is necessary to get you both through this. Throwing everything away when you are dealing with this type of person might not be the best call. Because, in this situation it's sometimes likely that if you had just committed to waiting and seeing what happened, you would have been pleasantly surprised to see that they were still there, still committed, and rehabilitated enough to be an even better spouse than before.
Other times, you are dealing with someone who has not been a good spouse but who can be rehabilitated with a lot of work, insights, and the changing of habits. At the bottom of the rung, is the spouse who is a serial cheater and who is very unlikely to change without a lot of work and a lot of time.
Ultimately deciding whether to remain married after an affair is a very personal and complex decision that requires weighing many subjective variables. It can help to commit to not making this decision in haste without trying to be as objective as the situation will allow when weighing all factors. Objective help can sometimes make the process easier as can making sure that you're doing everything that you both can to rehabilitate the situation.
In the end, infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage. I have seen countless marriages not only survive but thrive, and I have seen some that ultimately did not make it. I believe that the difference between the two is a combination of commitment, will, and obtaining the proper rehabilitation and healing.
I was the cheated on, not the cheater, in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the "cheated on" spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
