subject: What Good Communication Can Do For Your Marriage [print this page] A particularly humorous scene in the musical My Fair Lady occurs when Professor Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering bond over their Hymn to Him as they ask Why cant a woman be more like a man! Men are so pleasant, so easy to please, whenever you are with them, youre always at ease! This, of course, is men assessing how men get along with men, as seen through the eyes of men. Although, their rant is a bit sexist, is their underlying desire to make women more like men any different from women feeling marriages and relationships would be more effective if only men opened up more and took time to understand and share their feelings? In other words, why cant a man be more like a woman? Lets face itdespite what we have in common, men and women are so differentespecially when it comes to communication. And heres the trick, healthy communication is so vital for a strong marriage.
Too often in modern marriage, familiarity, passage of time and busyness cause us to take for granted and become lazy in communicating with the person who is most important in our life. In a recent post on Family Lifes Culture Watch blog, author Scott Williams shares the result of an informal online poll that asked Have you given your mate a love note in the past month? Over half responded Ouch, its been that long? Concerned, William reminded couples that when they keep lines of communication open, not only are minor annoyances often prevented from being blown out of proportion, but they find their relationships is stronger as they work together as a team.
Recognize and Respond to the Differences:
Through his Love and Respect Ministry, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs reveals that men and women hear and process information differently.
Women often prefer close, face to face contact.
They love to share and receive information with a lot of details and stories of the day.
Men prefer shoulder-to-shoulder communication. Like using only a few words while enjoying sports, recreation or ESPN together, and definitely not looking into each others eyes at Starbucks.
Instead of sharing to relate, men just enjoy the moment or current activity together.
Men, unlike women, dont care and dont need to know all the details!
Dr. Eggerichs encourages men to meet their wives need for face to face contact by kindly listening to their wives stories and even sharing about their own day and challenges. However, he cautions women not to take advantage. Men will listen to details because they love you, but it is not fair to treat them like your girlfriend and expect them to care about all the stories you have to share. Instead, respect your husband by clearly stating the point and offering silent shoulder to shoulder moments. Were not wrong, just different, as Dr. Eggerichs says.
Be Intentional:
Ever feel your life is so busy, you barely have time to say two words to each other? What can you personally do to make communication a priority?
Perhaps you can set aside 15 minutes a day to share and plan for the week.
Slip encouraging love notes in a briefcase or pillow.
Leave a letter on a pillow for your spouse to read when he or she comes to bed.
Some couples even write love notes on the mirror in lipstick. Men, you may not want to use your wifes favorite brand for this!
Commit to a regular weekly check-in meeting. Perhaps it can be a Sunday night like one husband whom each week asks his wife 3 questions: 1. What was hardest about your week? 2. What was best about your week? 3. How can I help you this next week?
Plan for the future research often shows that couples with successful marriages are those who plan, dream and continue to create a unified vision for their marriage in the future.
Maintain Long-Distance Communication:
Many couples these days face long and frequent separations, especially our military families who sacrifice so much for us all during the era of war in particular. Between dropped calls, limited time to talk, and long gaps between contact, it is even more important for military couples to maintain communication when one or both spouses are deployed.
As a military wife, Tara Crooks of the Army Wife Network has learned to be intentional about writing to her husband in a way that spoke to how he felt loved. For example, if your spouse enjoys quality time, write letters reminiscing about fun times you spent together and possible new activities for his or her return.
Also, remember to share changes in your life. While her husband was employed, one young military wife went from being a stay at home mom to a seminary student and part time youth pastor. These were changes she could of made on her own, but instead she made the decisions with her husband. Imagine, how much different post deployment would have been had she made those decisions on her own.
Appreciate and Learn from Each Other:
There are days where communicating with your spouse can feel like talking to a wall. At times, it seems easier to close up and walk away. Instead of shutting down, or wishing your spouse were more like you, learn to speak in ways he or she will understand. Not only will you grow together, but also it is likely you will personally grow stronger as you adapt and learn from your differences. If youve fallen in a rut of expecting your spouse to communicate like you, or youre in a rut on not communicating your love often, break out of the rut and build the type of communication that will make your marriage thrive.
