subject: Wives Who Not Only Survive But Thrive After A Husband's Affair. How Do They Do It? [print this page] Wives Who Not Only Survive But Thrive After A Husband's Affair. How Do They Do It?
I often write articles about moving on and saving your marriage after an affair. Some of the more common questions that I am asked is "how can I survive this affair," or "is it really possible to totally get over the affair," or "will my marriage ever really heal after the cheating?" The answers to all of these questions can be positive ones. The outcome depends entirely on how you deal with the aftermath of the affair and how much help youelicit from your husband. I've noticed from my research and from my own personal experience that wives who survive affairs often have many things in common. I'll go over these things in this article.
They Understand That Ignoring The Problem Doesn't Make It Go Away: Affairs are painful. Thoughts about, talks of, and negotiations following the affair are awkward, painful, and difficult. It's completely normal to want to skip several painful steps and just move on. Many take the tactic of "if I don't think or talk about it, it doesn't exist." This sounds good in theory, but it often comes back to haunt you. If you don't take the time to deal with, fix and work through the multiple issues that go hand in hand with an affair, these things will come out in their own way often in ways that aren't pretty or healthy. You may become angry or bitter for no apparent reason quite suddenly. You may find yourself muttering insults and sarcastic accusations under your breath. You may feel resentment that doesn't go away.
It's so important that you pinpoint, address, and correct the issues that lead up to the affair. If you don't, your marriage remains vulnerable. If you do, your marriage can very honestly improve greatly and be more fulfilling in the end.
They Understand Exactly What They Need To Heal From The Affair And They Ask Their Husbands For It: It's vital that you take the time to examine what you need to heal. This may be accountability or remorse from your husband. You may need him to hand over his cell phone records or email pass words. You may want him to reassure you and give you extra attention, patience, and affection. Or, you may just want him to be patient and hang back, available but not hovering. Whatever it is that you need, take the initiative and tell him. So many husbands tell me that they are desperate to do absolutely anything to help their wives heal, but so often the wife won't tell him what this is. As nice as it would be if he could, he can't read your mind. He wants to do whatever is needed, but he's afraid or your rejection or of appearing selfish, overly aggressive,or controlling.
They Take Care Of Themselves, Refuse To Be A Victim, And Prioritize Their Self Esteem: One of the main things that will sabotage a marriage after an affair is the wife's feeling victimized, undesirable, and beaten. Often, the husband wants to show and offer his affection, but no matter what the husband says or does, the wife doesn't believe this. At the heart of this, lies the fact that she is not sure of herself and can't possibly believe that she could be desirable or worthy after her husband looked elsewhere.
Women who survive affairs know that they can handle whatever life throws their way. In theunlikely event that their husbandsdisappoint themagain, they will deal with it at that time. But, for now, they are choosing to maintain the family and life that they loved. And, they know that they are the same loving, attractive, and vibrant woman that they were before the affair. They refuse to allow one action over which they no control to change that.
At the end of the day, to be one of the wives who not only survives but thrive after an affair, you have to know without question that you are fully capable of putting the time in effort into improving your marriage and yourself. You are committed to opening your heart without fear, knowing that this is the only real way to receive and give unrestricted and untainted love. You know that whatever mistakes your husband has made, it's not your fault and that you are enough. You have to make a conscious decisionto live for yourself, and to seekyour own happiness not anyone else's. Only you know what equation will yield this result.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
