subject: Moving On And Healing After A Spouse's Cheating: Advice and Tips to Help [print this page] Moving On And Healing After A Spouse's Cheating: Advice and Tips to Help
I often write about and share my story of how I was able to move on and save my marriage after my husband's affair. Often, I'm contacted by people who are having trouble "getting over" the affair or really, completely, moving on. Sometimes, I am contacted by spouses who have cheated but who desperately want to make amends, move on, and save the marriage. Mostly though, I'm contacted by the spouse who was cheated on, and who is stuck and unable togo forward.
I completely understand this. Just because I was able to get through my husband's affairdoesn't mean that I didn't struggle greatly or have set backs. I certainly did. But, in the end, I decided that the life and man that I loved and who had stood by me, loved me, fathered my children, and experienced life with me for so long were worth saving. In this article, I'll share with you the things I believe that you need (and must ask for if you aren't getting) to really, truly, and completely be able to finally move on after an affair.
There Has To BeA Clean Break: Whether you're the spouse who was cheated on, or the spouse who cheated, there needs to be a final and complete break from the other person. You and your spouse can not heal if the third party remains in your lives. There is no room for three people in a marriage. Sometimes, this means you have to move and /orchange jobs. I understand that this can be as disruptive as the affair itself, but it is often necessary. A fresh start and a clean break is always a nice, healing idea. Do not subject your spouse to the affair longer than need be. End it and mean it.
There Has To Be Complete Accountability: There are many reasons that affairs happen. There are often contributing factors that are, in a sense,the fault of both partners. Marital neglect does not happen in a bubble. However, the spouse who chose to cheat made this decisionon their own,must completely understand this,take complete responsibility, and be heldsolely accountable. Both spouses will need to band together to dothe necessary workto heal the marriage, buttheaccountability lies with the cheating spouse.
The Contributing Problems Must Be Examined And Fixed: It's so important that both parties understand why the affair happened and work together to fix the contributing issues. This will go a long way toward reassuring the spouse that was cheated on that they don't need to worry that another affair is on the horizon or wonder if their spouse is going to cheat again.
Reassurance Must Be Generous And Ongoing: Very often, the spouse who was cheated on is going to need a lot of reassurance and attention. The blow to their self esteem is often very real and drastic. They will wonder if you still find them attractive and desirable. They will wonder if something is wrong with them or if you are just putting on a show and not really sincere. You have to demonstrate to them, time and time again, that you aren't going anywhere and are going to see them through this. In time, as you do and say the right things, they will begin to believe you.
Confidence And Self Worth Must Be Restored: Speaking of a blow to self esteem, the party who was cheated on really should take the initiative to do those things thatare going to bring about more confidence and self worth. This may feel weird or even selfish at first, but you can't skip this step. If you do, you're going to worry in the back of your head if you still have it or if in some way the affair was really your fault. Only you know what it is going to take to bridge you through. For me, it was updating my wardrobe, losing a few pounds, and going back to school.
If You're Not Getting What You Need, Speak Up: Here is the biggest problem that I see with couples who are trying to move on after an affair. Both parties assume that the other has thoughts and feelings without asking or knowing if this is true. For example, the spouse who cheated often assumes that their spouse is repulsed by them and doesn't want any kind of affection for a while. So, the cheating spouse will decide to let their partner take the initiative on affection and intimacy. In turn, the spouse who was cheated on will see this as their partner's not finding them desirable and not loving them anymore.
You can see what a harmful cycle this is and how this can make things so much worse. Both people are sitting silent and being fearful. It's important that you be very honest about what you need without worrying if you are appearing to be "needy," "weak," or "high maintenance." Have an understanding with your spouse. Perhaps you want affection, but not intimacy or maybe you need to know where they are or who they are with. Whatever you need, know that they can't read your mind. And so often, they desperately want to do what is necessary tohelp you heal, but they don't know whatthis is. You really do have to tell them.
Focus Not On Making Things The Same, But Better: The bestand most surefire way to move on after infidelity is to have something great and desirable to move toward. Marriages can honestly be even better after an affair because it shows both people how close they were to losing what really mattered.And, both parties are often compelled to fix what was broken.
Don't make it your goal to get back to how things were. Decide on what was good and keep that. Decide on what could be better and make it so. Do fun things with your spouse and create new, better memories. Because at the end of the day, when both spouses are feeling valued, loved, fulfilled, and understood, then they are exactly excited about moving toward the future rather than remaining in the past.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
