subject: Can You Get Over Your Spouse Cheating On You? (Why I Think You Can) [print this page] Can You Get Over Your Spouse Cheating On You? (Why I Think You Can)
I have a blog that recounts how I was able to get over my husband's affair to save my marriage. Often, I'm contacted by wives (and sometimes husbands too) which tell me things like "I wish I could be more like you. I just can not get over my husband's / wife's affair, no matter how hard I try." Or, "my husband says and does all of the rightthings, but Ijust can't get over his cheating, even thoughI really do want to save our marriage." I often respond by telling these folks that there is truly nothing special about me. I struggled with getting over my husband's affair forquite a long time. There was no one "secret" that got me over the hump. Rather, it was a series of events and efforts over time that reestablished trust and intimacy. And, it was my own work on myself to rebuild my self esteem and self worth that restored my love of myself as someone who was worthy and lovable. The truth is, at the end of the day, it comes down to a conscious choice to not allow one bad choice to tear down years of love and commitment.
Here are, in my opinion and experience, things that most people will need to really get over an affair:
You need to know that the affair is absolutely over. The person who had the affair must immediately sever all ties with the person with whom they were cheating. This may mean moving, changing jobs, or taking other drastic actions. Yes, it may be costly, inconvenient, or difficult to do this, but it must be done. You can't really get over an affair if you know your spouse will still see the other person on a regular basis. The scab can not heal until it no longer keeps getting re injured over and over.
You need to know that the cheating will never happen again. Once you know that your spouse will no longer have contact with this other person, you also need reassurance that, should you chose to place your trust in your spouse and make yourself vulnerable again, you will be rewarded with the same level of commitment and affection that you've put on the line rather than another betrayal.
This often requires you to have honest discussions and evaluations of what went wrong with your marriage and the vulnerabilities that remain inherent in it. This can be difficult and sometimes painful, but in the end, it is worth every effort, because the improvements will strengthen the marriage and will reassure you that the marriage is now strong enough to stand up to future stressors.
You need to use the affair as a wake up call: I used to hear women say that their husband's affair actually improved their marriage, intimacy, and communication. I never used to believe this until it happened to me. But, now I've learned that an affair is often a wake up call to no longer take your spouse, or your marriage, for granted. This often forces you to improve the way in which you interact, show affection, and experience intimacy. If you have to deal with an affair, at least allow some positive to come out of this negative situation. Use this as an opportunity to fix what is broken or to address what is lacking.
The guilty party needs to take full responsibility,have full accountability, and be generous with reassurances. If your spouse cheated, and you don't feel thatthey are giving what you need to heal, please show them this article.It's very difficult to get over an affair when you're being blamed (whether directly or indirectly) for something that wasn't your fault. Sure, there are always things that contribute to cheating, but one person made the ultimate choice to cheat. That person should take full responsibility for this mistake. Then, they should be willing to be open and honest about their whereabouts and their intentions. They should understand that you will need a lot of reassurance and patience as you move forward.
The person who was cheated on should make an effort to facilitate their own healing. My husband was mostlypatient with me after the affair, but for a while there I ultimately wasn't getting what I needed because I didn't speak up. My self esteem took a huge, ugly hit and rather than asking for more reassurance, I was resentful that it wasn't being given freely.
The truth is, my husband wasn't sure what to do. He thought I didn't want him to bother me (and sometimes, I didn't), so he hung back, but deep down, I wanted him to seek me out and offer me reassurance that he still found me attractive and desirable. Once this happened, though, I found that I still wasn't where I needed to be. Ultimately, I had to work on myself outside of my marriage. I ended up going back to school, losing weight, and changing ip my appearance. This boasted my self esteem to a place where it was when I first got married. I finally understood that I was attractive and vibrant, so Iwas able to see myself aslovable outside of what happenedinside our our marriage.
The Bottom Line To Getting Over An Affair: Here's the bottom line as best as I can put it. At the end of the day, getting over an affair is all about loving yourself enough to make the choice that works best for you. You can't worry about what others think are what is the "right" answer. The question is what is right for you. I ultimately decided that I loved my husband, loved our children, and loved our life before everything came crashing down. I wasn't about to let one fleeting thing or one stray person destroy what I had worked so hard to build. I learned to communicate with and love my husband in a new and better way so that I now focus on what is ahead of us rather than what was in the past.
Although I never would've believe this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
