subject: How Do I Get Over These Feelings Of Betrayal Because Of His Cheating? Insights That Might Help [print this page] How Do I Get Over These Feelings Of Betrayal Because Of His Cheating? Insights That Might Help
I recently heard from a wife who was struggling very much with getting over feelings of betrayal after learning about her husband's affair. She said, in part: "I just keep coming back to how much I feel betrayed. I nursed this man back to health when he was sick. I was a good, loyal wife. I always put him first. I have always supported him in any way that I can. I raised his children. And this is how he repays me? By cheating on me? I don't think that I can ever get over this sort of betrayal."
But these feelings didn't only involve her husband. She later found out that her husband's sister and a couple of their mutual friends also knew about the affair. And yet, not one of them stepped forward to tell her about it. She said "I don't even want to be associated with these people ever again. How can you know that someone is being betrayed and cheated on and then say nothing to warn them? I feel like I've lost so many people who I thought I could count and depend on. I now feel like maybe none of my relationships are real anymore. And this really has me frustrated. How am I going to get over this? I don't want to go around feeling this guarded and resentful for the rest of my life."
This correspondence really hit home for me. These feelings are so common but they are also so devastating. You feel as though the life you assumed was yours and was secure has been ripped from you. It really does hurt. And, you worry about ever believing in or trusting in someone ever again. So, you are very tempted to put your guard up so that no one can hurt you again. The problem is that not allowing future love and trust into your life can ending up hurting and wounding you every much as the betrayal of the affair. I will discuss this more in the following article.
You Are Justified In Feeling Betrayed By Your Spouse's Affair, But Don't Let These Feelings Sap Your Future Happiness: I know that you may not believe me when I say this, but your feelings about the affair are going to evolve and change over time. That's not to say that you will ever be happy or even neutral about this. But, with time and some healing, the wounds do begin to scab over and you eventually find that you're not nearly affected by it as you once were.
But, I have to caution you that it's very easy to allow yourself to sort of wallow in dark places. This can become very tempting but, for your own self preservation, you have to resist it and always ask yourself what you are doing to move forward. Because ultimately, all most people in this situation want is to be happy again. They want to be at peace. They want to be able to trust. And, they don't want to live in a world where they feel that everyone is out to get them. This is very difficult to achieve if you never stop placing your focus on the betrayal.
So try to focus repeatedly on what you can do to heal and feel better. This does take time but there are often things, concepts and people that you can surround yourself with to support you. You will often have to make a very conscious effort toward evaluating which thoughts and actions work to elevate you and which just make you continue to feel worse. You will usually decide to embrace some things and discard some others.
Deciding Which Of The People That Betrayed You During The Affair Will Remain In Your Life: It was pretty clear to me that this wife was every bit as hurt by the actions of some of her friends as she was by the actions of her husband. She could not believe that a few of them didn't warn her. I asked her what she would've done had the roles been reversed and she was very adamant that she would've told any one of her friends if it were their husbands who were having the affair.
Many people agree with the wife but I have to tell you that this situation is not at all uncommon. It's easy to say what you think you would do, but when you're actually in this situation, it can be very difficult. I suspect that a few of this wife's friends were trying to avoid causing her pain. And, one of the friends was actually the reason that the husband came clean about the affair. The friend basically told the husband that if he didn't tell the wife, she would.
So, while it's easy and understandable to judge some of these friends harshly, many times they will tell you that they were trying to spare you pain. Personally, I would have a hard time forgiving someone for actually helping my spouse to cheat on me, but I am more willing to bend when someone was trying to spare me pain by just omitting the truth and remaining silent. I find that you really do have to examine each relationship individually and ask yourself if they were thinking about you and your feelings or if they were thinking about their own (and whether this is not the first time they have disappointed you in this way.)
As far as this wife's husband was concerned, deciding whether or not to keep him in her life was a very individual decision. She conceded that he had been a good husband in the considerable time that they'd been married. Marriages survive affairs every day, but both people have to be willing to put in a good deal or work and effort and it was going to be up to the wife to determine if she felt her marriage,and her husband, fell into this category.
At the end of the day, you really have to ask yourself what you want your life to look like. And you have to consider if, assuming you were able to rehabilitate the marriage, would your life be happier and more complete with him in your life or out of it? At the end of the day, you have to decide who, and what, is going to make you happy after everything is fixed.
I struggled greatly with my outrage and anger at being betrayed by my husband's affair, but after much introspection, conducting a lot of research, and listening to knowledgeable experts, I finally learned that forgiveness was possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, our marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
