subject: What If My Husband Wants A Trial Separation? What Should Or Can I Do? [print this page] What If My Husband Wants A Trial Separation? What Should Or Can I Do?
I recently heard from a wife who was very concerned that her husband was getting ready to ask for a trial separation. The two had danced around the topic for months. Things hadn't been going all that great in her marriage for some time and her husband had brought up separating several times but had never followed through. However, within the last couple of weeks, he had been using very concrete statements like telling her that friends had offered to let him crash with them for a while.
The wife felt pretty certain that he was going to actually go through with the separation. She asked me, in part: "what if he wants a trial separation and I don't?" Do I just comply or do I fight him on it or try to change his mind? Part of me is angry and wants to tell him to just go and that I hope he finds what he is looking for. But, another part of me is sad and wants to make him see how silly this all is and to beg him to stay. I just don't know what to do at this point."
I get so much correspondence on this topic that I know that it's a fairly common occurrence. And, it can put the wife in a very difficult position. On the one hand, you're afraid that "trial separation" is just another way of saying the beginning of a divorce. But on the other hand, if he's convinced that he wants it so much that he keeps bringing it up, then what can you really do to stop it? In the following article, I'll discuss my take on how to best handle it when you husband wants a trial separation and you just want to play it the right way so that this gives you the best chance of saving your marriage.
It Usually Doesn't Do Much Good To Argue With Him About Or To Deny Him The Trial Separation: It's very understandable that most wives see the trial separation as something which they feel they can't let happen. They worry that it's very existence means the beginning of the end for their marriage. And, they're afraid that as soon as their husband leaves, they've lost control of the situation and are going to have a very hard time getting him to come back.
So, they hold on that much tighter and they choke down on the very desperate grip that they already have. Many will argue with the husband as to why the separation isn't a good idea. They will tell him that he's wrong or selfish to ask for one. When this doesn't work, they will sometimes stoop to begging him not to go or attempting to make him feel very guilty for leaving.
What they don't realize is that focusing or relying on negative emotions will usually mean that her husband will likely begin to see you in a more negative light and you typically can not afford to let this happen when you are trying to save your marriage. More than this, even if you are able to thwart your husband and somehow convince him not to go through with the trial separation after all, you will usually add his resentment and his longing to the long list of things that you are probably already dealing with. He will likely always wonder what would've happened if you had let him do what he felt was necessary and he might even always see this as preferable since it's the proverbial green grass on the other side of the fence.
Allowing The Trial Separation To Actually Work For You: I know that the idea of this might be scary, but actually, time and distance (when handled correctly) will often help the marriage. One of the things that contributes to this is focusing on positive emotions and perceptions. You want for your husband to see you as someone who values his happiness as well as her own. You always want to come across as capable and as a person of high integrity. Behaving in a way that is beneath you (arguing, threatening, engaging, etc.) will reinforce negative perceptions.
You want to do the opposite. You want to reinforce positive emotions. You want to make him think that although this trial separation was most certainly not your choice, you're not above taking full advantage of it and working through your own issues and doubts. There is nothing wrong with sitting your husband down and saying something like: "it's pretty obvious that I don't really want the trial separation. But if this is something that you feel is necessary, then you know I will support you because I want you to be happy. And, I suppose the time could be a good thing for both of us. I can certainly use it to work some things out in my own head. Of course, the goal is that the time apart always us to see some things clearly and to come back together stronger in the end. Can we talk about how, exactly this is going to work?"
Defining How The Trial Separation Is Going To Work: This is probably the most common place where I see couples fall short. They will agree on the separation but they never define how they want it to work. So, no one knows how often the two of you are supposed to check in. And, no one has defined what you are hoping to get out of this or how those things which you are hoping for are going to happen. So, both people are just sort of wandering aimlessly or one spouse does things to which the other is resistant.
You are usually much better off figuring out beforehand how this is going to work. If you can define that you'll speak every day and meet a couple of times per week to discuss what you are both thinking, then this is preferable to both of you wondering why the other isn't in touch. Additionally, it's best if you can define beforehand how long the trial separation is going to last. You don't want for it to go on endlessly. But, if your husband is resistant to defining a time frame, then it's usually best not to push that too far.
The key here is setting it up so that your husband misses you during the separation. In order for this to happen, you need to be very conscious of how he's seeing and perceiving you. Always ask yourself is whether what you do or say is going to help your bottom line or hurt it and then act accordingly.
It was my husband, not me, who wanted space and asked for a trial separation. Unfortunately, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.
